G&STC Blog Roundup: 8 Blogs for When Sex Doesn’t Feel Easy

When broached intentionally, sex can be a great place to connect with your body, explore your desires (and what meeting them looks like), strengthen intimacy with yourself, strengthen intimacy with partners, heal your relationship with your body, or just access pleasure. However, while it’s commonly sought out for pleasure, that doesn’t mean the pleasurable experience comes easily for everyone. 

There are a variety of reasons why sex can feel physically or emotionally difficult. It could be overwhelming anxiety stemming from body issues or self esteem, trauma from a past sexual experience, physical changes in your body, life events impacting your libido, etc. 

If you’re struggling to manage your relationship with sex (either solo or with others), we’ve written a lot on the subject. Here are 8 blogs for when sex doesn’t feel easy or pleasurable: 

How To Stay Present During Sex

“Some people who struggle to stay present during sex aren’t necessarily disassociating, but grounding techniques can be helpful for integrating mindfulness into your sex life. If you are wanting to continue a sexual encounter but find your mind is floating away, it can be helpful to verbally express the sensations you are feeling. An example of this could be: “Your lips feel so good on my ________” This technique invites you to stay present with the pleasure you’re feeling by describing it out loud to your partner(s).”

Easing Sexual Anxiety and Insecurities

“Oftentimes sexual anxiety or insecurity starts from within — they are a call to come home to yourself. If you are feeling disconnected from your pleasure or not confident during sex, spending intentional time with yourself could be helpful. Sexuality is not stagnant, meaning you may experience  shifts from time to time in how you feel your body and pleasure that you need to discover yourself. The sexual relationship you have with yourself needs to be nurtured as much as the relationships you have with partners.”

Navigating Sex During Times of Grief

“It is possible to find healing and connection through sex, but it can also feel inaccessible during times of grief. That is okay. Wherever your libido is at (fluctuating day-to-day, not present, higher than your norm, or staying steady) is perfect. ⁣Communicating about our desires and shifts in libido can be a challenge, fear of judgment or rejection may arise.”

Healing From Sexual Trauma Through Kink

“Though mental health providers have historically pathologized kinky behavior as “Sexual Sadism and Sexual Masochism Disorders” — there is research that shows people who practice BDSM are less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and have higher subjective well-being than non-kinky people. A similar U.S. study found BDSM-identified couples reported less stress as well as increased intimacy following play. 

At its core, kink is about the ability to delve into the depths of your desires and connect with others' raw humanity. It can be seen as “shadow work” — finding strength in submission and embodiment in dominance. This form of connection takes vulnerability, trust, and intentional communication.”

How To Manage Differing Libidos In A Relationship

“Two people with perfectly matched libidos are incredibly rare. This is a reality most sexually active people will come against at some point — simply because our libidos have a natural ebb and flow throughout our lives. This desire debacle doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed — quite the opposite. Instead, it is an opportunity to invite more intention and communication into your sex life.”

How To Embrace Sexuality Shifts After Having Children

“It’s not just people who give birth who experience these changes, it’s everyone who is a new parent from adoptive parents to new fathers and partners of those who gave birth. The medical approach to this topic often comes in the form of checking off boxes to simple questions like have you had sex since giving birth? Or what kind of birth control are you using, if any? 

The lack of resources for new parents re-navigating their sexual life with a newborn leaves people feeling isolated and alone in this issue. But you aren’t alone and there are ways you can reconfigure your sexual life to be fulfilling again!”

How Kink Can Help Ease Sexual Anxiety

“Even in spaces focused on sexual liberation, one thing that often goes undiscussed is how to navigate sex in a healthy, pleasurable way when you or your partner experiences sexual anxiety or functioning issues. It can be hard to relate to articles and tips about making the most of your pleasure when you have trouble performing with or experiencing pleasure at all.

One thing that might surprise you? Kink + play can actually help sexual anxiety and performance issues! According to a study from Northern Illinois University ‘BDSM sex can help increase mindfullness, reduce stress, make you hyperaware, and help people stay in the moment.’”

13 Soothing Tips If You’re Triggered During Sex

“It’s essential to have partners you feel safe around to express a need to stop when triggered. If you can, let them know your potential triggers ahead of any play, communicate about what you may need if they come up and perhaps have a safe word. 

But the moment you feel uncomfortable, simply say, “Hey, I need to stop for a moment” or your safe word. If you need to be alone, express that, and remember: it's also okay to lean on your partner for support during this moment. Even though being triggered is scary, it’s sometimes in these moments when we get to see how cared for we truly are.”

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.