Healing From Sexual Trauma Through Kink
Somatic practices have the potential to nurture our nervous systems as an alternative healing modality. Kink can be seen as a sensual, intimate, and powerful somatic practice which many people find healing in. There is strength in being able to reclaim parts of your sexuality that have been buried or feel shame-fueled from past trauma.
Kink is interdisciplinary, and therefore the actual practice varies for everyone who participates. That’s because kinks come in many forms — suspension play, role play, physical restriction, power exchange, administration of pain, impact, and age play just to list a few. In other words: there is no one way to be kinky and finding your own path is key.
Though mental health providers have historically pathologized kinky behavior as “Sexual Sadism and Sexual Masochism Disorders” — there is research that shows people who practice BDSM are less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and have higher subjective well-being than non-kinky people. A similar U.S. study found BDSM-identified couples reported less stress as well as increased intimacy following play.
At its core, kink is about the ability to delve into the depths of your desires and connect with others' raw humanity. It can be seen as “shadow work” — finding strength in submission and embodiment in dominance. This form of connection takes vulnerability, trust, and intentional communication.
Predictability in negotiation.
For survivors of sexual assault, profound reclamation can be found through the negotiation, execution, and aftercare of a scene. There have been correlations drawn between the stages of trauma healing therapies and these three phases of a kink scene. Phase one of trauma work with a mental health provider is about skills building. You work on creating stable coping mechanisms and boundaries for yourself around triggers. This ties to the first step of a kink scene: negotiation. You figure out with your partner(s) what everyone’s boundaries are, what kind of play you want to participate in, and what your safe words or actions are. Planning a scene allows for survivors to have a sense of predictability of what will happen, whereas a traumatic event is completely unpredictable.
Rewiring trauma.
Working through trauma in therapy is a safe and contained way to access healing. Similar to the play of a kink scene, BDSM play is a chance to experience pain, fear, excitement, arousal, and adrenaline in a consensual way. You get to decide what type of scene you want to do — whether suspension, needle play, or age play — kink creates a space where people choose to be powerful, choose to experience pain, and experience being cared for afterward. This consensual aspect of play allows our bodies to rewire our brain and nervous system responses. Building new positive and consensual experiences can heal and, in a sense, “overwrite” past traumatic ones.
Aftercare and repair.
The final stage of trauma therapy is integration — similar to aftercare in a kink scene. Using the skills built up from previous stages, survivors are equipped with a safety plan and deeper understanding of their trauma. During aftercare, you check in with one another on how the scene went, what worked and what didn’t, what you want to try at higher intensity next time, and offer care through snuggle, light touch, or affirmations.
Kink helps complete the stress response cycle for those who are stuck in an activated state of fight or flight, it allows for the body to release back into deactivation and restoration. The tightline of trust and communication between partners allows for walls around trauma to be brought down. While trauma causes a rupture with no repair, aftercare in a kink scene allows for repair after experiencing consensual pain, submission, and/or intensity.
Playful pleasure.
There is little to no research on survivors of sexual assault experiencing pleasure, intimacy, and connection after trauma. Many survivors describe feeling lost in their attempts to re-navigate sexuality after trauma. Rewiring a connection to pleasure will look different for everyone — the inclusion of kink and BDSM is simply one avenue. Adults don’t often have the opportunity to experience playfulness; it is often seen as something we’re meant to grow out of. However, playful pleasure offers a space to heal.
Kink is quite literally a form of play: age play, fetish play, fantasy, role play, power play, etc. Not only are we healing in the moment, but portals are opened to heal past selves and repair places where traumatic energy may remain stuck in the body. When you discover where traumatic energy is stored in your body, you can focus kinky efforts there. For example, if you struggle to communicate boundaries because of past trauma — having a dominant explore breathe play with you could be an area of focus or releasing a scream during an intense impact play scene could discharge trauma by completing the stress response cycle. There is creativity in this form of kinky play. Through positive and intentional dynamics between dominant/top and submissive/bottom — healing is accessible.
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