Navigating Sex During Times of Grief
Grief can place a heavy fog over your life in many ways.
The current far-reaching global loss we are collectively experiencing from COVID-19 and racial injustice amplify the impact of grief tenfold. We are currently in a state of chronic trauma, meaning there is not one acute moment that is traumatic — it is continuous and overwhelming. While sex is often viewed as a compartmentalized aspect of our lives — not touched by everyday moments — libido is absolutely impacted by socio-political issues.
It is possible to find healing and connection through sex, but it can also feel inaccessible during times of grief. That is okay. Wherever your libido is at (fluctuating day-to-day, not present, higher than your norm, or staying steady) is perfect. Communicating about our desires and shifts in libido can be a challenge, fear of judgment or rejection may arise.
How to talk to your partner about sex.
These questions serve as a guide for prompting a discussion about sex with your partner(s). Opening this dialogue allows you to not only build the sex life you crave with your lovers but creates portals for deep healing. Learning about your partners’ sexual process, libido shifts, and ever-evolving desires has so much value. You can learn into your growth edges together.
How would you describe your libido or desire for sex lately?
It could be that your libido is fluctuating every day, completely nonexistent, higher than your average, or steady throughout this time. Inviting this conversation allows you to have compassion and understanding for your different levels of desire.
How are you feeling about the sex we’re having lately?
Sometimes the sexual routine you have with long term partners feels safe and is exactly what you need. You also might want to suggest less sex, more sex, mutual masturbation, more kink, or less genital touch. Whatever you need, let your partner(s) know and negotiate if it is a mutual interest to explore.
What role do you want sex to play in your life for the next month?
There is always room for fluidity, however, talking about the future of your sex life can be helpful. You may envision more sex because you’re self-quarantining together or maybe less sex because you’re exhausted and focused on other areas of your life. This creates a sense of clarity around expectations. Continue to check-in as the answer to this question could be ever-evolving!
What are your current sexual needs?
These unprecedented times may call for different sexual needs like more verbal communication throughout, thorough aftercare, new safewords, or different boundaries. Our sexual needs rarely remain stagnant, so this will be a continuous conversation.
Do you want to try to schedule sensual time together?
If you’ve been struggling to sexually connect with your partner(s) because the world is so heavy, scheduling sensual time can be a great tool. This doesn’t mean you *have* to have sex when the time comes, because consent is vital. It simply creates the opportunity to get excited, wear something you feel sexy in, and create space in your relationship for connection. The following question must be paired with scheduling sensual time, so this doesn’t become an all or nothing situation that could build resentment.
What are some erotic activities outside of sex we can do to invigorate our intimacy?
When you are wanting to connect sensually with your partner but sex isn’t on the table (for whatever reason), it’s great to have alternatives that you know create a sense of intimacy in your partnership. This could include exchanging massages, an erotic photoshoot, watching porn, reading erotica, taking a sensual walk without your phones, or feeding one another a meal.
Figuring out solo sex.
The same conversations that might happen between partners can also apply to the monologue within yourself about solo sex. At the beginning of the stay-at-home orders, there were many viral memes about how everyone was going to be masturbating all the time. Have compassion for wherever your level of desire is. If you are experiencing a spike in libido, this could be a great time to explore different toys, positions, lubes, or sensations during solo sex. If you are an avid porn user, try exploring audio or written erotica. If you always use the same vibrator in your bedroom, try moving to the living room or shower. This variety will not only invigorate solo sex with creativity, but also let your body know there are many ways to experience pleasure or orgasm.
While it may be true that masturbation feels like a great solo activity with all this time at home, others may struggle to connect with their desire to have solo sex. That is perfectly okay! This could be an opportunity to build intimacy with yourself in a variety of solo acts such as self massage, taking a lavish bath, writing a love letter to your body, cooking your favorite meal, dancing by yourself, or journaling about what brings you daily joy. There are many ways to experience the erotic, it is not limited to just genital touch.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.