13 Soothing Tips If You’re Triggered During Sex

Sex, including all acts of consensual and erotic pleasure, can be a deeply emotional and vulnerable experience. This is the intimacy that helps us fall in love, stay in love, and connect with both play partners and ourselves. However, this vulnerability can also leave us open to experiencing triggers. While caring partner(s) rarely mean to trigger us, it can still disrupt the moment. 

For instance, if you like to keep your underwear on, and a new partner starts to tug it down, you may feel as if a panic attack is coming on. Perhaps a specific act, such as oral sex, can take you out of the moment and back to a sexual assault. It happens and it’s okay. Here are 13 soothing tips on what to do if you’re triggered during sex. 

Stop: 

Stop whatever play to orient yourself. It’s essential to have partners you feel safe around to express a need to stop when triggered. If you can, let them know your potential triggers ahead of any play, communicate about what you may need if they come up and perhaps have a safe word. 

But the moment you feel uncomfortable, simply say, “Hey, I need to stop for a moment” or your safe word. If you need to be alone, express that, and remember: it's also okay to lean on your partner for support during this moment. Even though being triggered is scary, it’s sometimes in these moments when we get to see how cared for we truly are.

Identify what triggered you: 

In the moment, it’s okay to focus on grounding and soothing. When you’re feeling better, note what caused the incident. Make sure to bring it up with your therapist and partner(s) to talk about ways to prevent it from happening again.  

Move: 

Sometimes, you need a change of scenery. If you were in bed, get out of bed and go somewhere you feel safe, such as the couch. If you have pets, give them some love. Even if you don’t have a dog to walk, stepping outside and getting some fresh air and light movement with a walk around the block can change your entire state of mind. 

Breathe: 

Step away from the bed or wherever you are playing, and find somewhere quiet to breathe. The four-fold breath can be very soothing. To practice this, take a deep breath for four seconds, hold your breath for four, exhale for four, and then hold for four again. Repeat until you feel grounded. 

Use Your Five Senses: 

Tapping into your senses can help ground you and fight dissociation. Practice mindfulness by tapping into all the background noise you hear, any familiar smells, the touch of your bed, the sight of your lover, and the taste of a calming snack or soothing tea. 

Have a snack: 

Snacks are always advisable after sex or play, as they make us happy and help us refuel. They can also help ground us when we’re triggered. Stay away from electronics or anything stressful, and focus and savor each bite. 

Take your medication: 

If you are prescribed medication for panic attacks or anxiety, this is a great opportunity to take them, per your doctor's instructions. 

Take a shower or bath: 

Warm water can soothe, relieve tension, relax muscles, and help you wash away the anxieties of a triggering episode. Taking time for a long, warm shower or bath can be a great way to help you self soothe. 

Aromatherapy: 

If you have a favorite scent or essential oil, add it to your bath or shower. Even if you’re not getting wet, smelling a lavender essential oil can help relax you and center you in the now. 

Snuggle: 

Sometimes if you are triggered in a sexual situation, the best thing you need is a non-sexual reassuring touch from your partner. Snuggling up can help you both maintain that intimacy while providing a soothing touch from someone who cares about you. 

Phone a friend: 

When we’re triggered, sometimes we just want a good friend on the line. Don’t be afraid to call someone you trust to hash out what you’re experiencing. This is what friends are for! Consider who in your support system would be good to lean on in moments like this. 

Read a book or watch TV: 

Entertainment is there to help us take a break. Don’t feel guilty about diving into your favorite book or curling up on the couch to watch TV to help yourself relax after being triggered. 

Reach out to your therapist: 

If it’s an emergency, many therapists will respond to you even if you don’t have an appointment. Even if they aren’t available at that moment, you will likely be able to schedule a future appointment. When you’re able to connect with them, you can talk and work through what happened and how to manage and/or avoid the trigger in the future. 

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.