G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health About Negging
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about what negging is and how to know if it’s happening to you.
“At face value, negging may seem innocent enough. But it’s actually a type of emotional manipulation that can land a blow on your self-esteem, explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC."
“At its most distilled, negging is verbal emotional abuse. It’s a type of manipulation that involves lowering a person’s self-esteem, explains Kahn. But it’s subtle. The reason it’s notoriously hard to spot is that it’s done under the guise of flirting. ‘The idea is that by insulting the person you're 'flirting' with you'll make them desperate to change your opinion of them and win your approval,’ they explain. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.”
“A backhanded compliment is not a compliment at all, but an insult in a mask, explains Khan. ‘Backhanded compliments are things that are said with the same tone of a compliment, but actually put the receiver down,’ they say. ‘Things like ‘I would never have the courage to wear that,’ and ‘Wow, you're a lot smarter than I thought you would be’ are perfect examples,’ says Kahn.”
“People who neg are spotlight-stealers, according to Kahn. They’re the type of people who always have a story that is more interesting or an accomplishment that's grander than whatever you just shared.”
“Okay, so how do you confront them? By being direct. “You can let them know that how they're treating or speaking to you isn't okay and that you won't be communicating with them further if the negging continues,” says Kahn. Though, whether or not you call it negging is up to you.”
“‘No matter what, remember that negging is a reflection of them, not of you, your worth, nor worthiness of love and care,’ says Kahn.”
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
Negging is an attempt to get an emotional reaction out of the person on the receiving end; if you feel embarrassed or offended you might try to prove to the person negging you that their negative opinion of you is incorrect. But really, they aren't interested in changing their opinion, because negging is just a strategy to feel more powerful and in control than the person they're interacting with.
Instead of engaging, remember that negging is a reflection of them and not you. If you want to do more than ignore and move on, you can let them know that how they're treating or speaking to you isn't okay, and that you won't be communicating with them further. How much you engage is up to you.