How To Stay Present During Sex

One of the most common struggles people have sexually is staying present in the moment. Whether this is rooted in stress and being busy, a trauma response and getting triggered, or just struggling to stay with the pleasure of the moment — almost everyone will come up against this during their sexual life. Bringing mindfulness into sex isn’t as easy as deciding you will stay present with your partner(s) — there is complexity in how humans interact sexually. While sex is often taught as a compartmentalized aspect of our lives, it can be impacted by anything from the food you eat, how much sleep you got, the medication you’re on, exercise routines, work stress, and relationship struggles. Approaching your sex life with this holistic underdstanding makes space for self-compassion when facing struggles of not being present during sex. 

What is dissociation?

Disassociation can present differently for everyone. One way it can present is through derealization, which can manifest as: 

• feeling like a robot and going through the motions of life

• being emotionally disconnected from people you care about

• experiencing brain fog

• feeling like you’re living in a constant dream state. 

This is akin to life going on around you feeling unreal, as if you are completely detached from reality. While having sex this can come across as picking up on physical sensations but mentally being somewhere else — thinking about the dishes, work, or not being emotionally present with your partner. It can be helpful to have physical safety motions, instead of words, during these times. You can do a double tap on the bed, use a clothespin that could be dropped, or even push someone away until you can find words to express what you’re experiencing. 

Another way people experience disassociation is through depersonalization. This can manifest as feeling unconnected to your body, mind, and physical sensations. Many people explain this as if you’re watching your life take place from another body or viewing yourself on a movie screen. Another way this has been described as the sense that your body appears distorted, enlarged or shrunken. During sex, it can feel like you’re above the bed watching sex happen and you are unable to experience pleasure or physical sensations. It can be challenging to communicate when disassociating because of the disconnect between body and mind. 

Grounding techniques.

Some people who struggle to stay present during sex aren’t necessarily disassociating, but grounding techniques can be helpful for integrating mindfulness into your sex life. If you are wanting to continue a sexual encounter but find your mind is floating away, it can be helpful to verbally express the sensations you are feeling. An example of this could be: “Your lips feel so good on my ________” This technique invites you to stay present with the pleasure you’re feeling by describing it out loud to your partner(s). 

When disassociation is happening, an important tactic is to first get your feet planted on the ground. Once you are able to do that, take some deep breaths to stabilize yourself. When you are able to be aware of your surroundings, drink some water and utilize the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. 

If you are unable to bring yourself back to the space, it is possible to play some loud music to invigorate your senses. Everyone will have different needs when it comes to grounding back to the present moment — you could be more sensory and need ice cubes on your wrists or to taste a mint in your mouth. Learning what works best for you may take time but once you do, you will be able to better advocate for your needs with partners. 

Communication is your friend.

It can be helpful to explore the kinds of communication you prefer around sex. Everyone has different preferences for how they like to talk about sex — some are hard boundaries and others have fluidity and may change depending on the person you are having sex with. Below are some questions to think about to explore your communication preferences. These can also serve as questions you can ask your partner(s) to explore their needs.

Questions to think about pre-care for sex: 

1. Do you like to talk about sexual desires before an interaction? 

2. Is it fun for you to negotiate a BDSM scene? 

3. Is it important for you to share certain triggers prior to having sex with someone new? 

4. Do you want to talk about the words you like used for your body during sex?

5. How do you navigate conversations about STIs and testing prior to sex?

6. Do you want to set guidelines for video/virtual sex beforehand?

Questions to think about for during a sexual encounter:

1. Do you have safe word or actions in case you need to stop?

2. How do you like to integrate sexy talk throughout sex?

3. Is it important to check in everytime you explore a new position?

4. How do you communicate about barriers throughout sex? (I.e. needing to change condoms between anal and vaginal penetration.) 

5. If you are role playing, are there moments you can step out of the role play?

6. Do you have a communicated safety plan if you get triggered?

Questions to think about for aftercare:

1. Do you like physical touch after sex like cuddling, massage, or soft kisses?

2. Are there any TV shows or movies you like to watch during aftercare?

3. Is it preferable for you to take a shower after sex as a soothing technique?

4. Are there certain affirmations you like after a particularly intense scene or sexual exchange?

5. Is it helpful for you to have a check in with your partner(s) the day after a sexual encounter? (I.e. to talk about what you loved, what you could do without, and anything you want to try next time.)

6. If you had video/virtual sex, do you all have stuffed animals or soothing tactics for after the sexual encounter?

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