Easing Sexual Anxiety and Insecurities
Sexual struggles can feel particularly isolating because we are not taught skills around nourishing our sexual being. When experiencing anxiety or insecurity around sex, it can be challenging to even broach the topic with a partner. There are many different ways that anxiety or insecurity can show up in our sex life. It may look like never feeling in the mood for sex, experiencing painful sex, orgasming before you want to, not feeling confident during sex, or struggling to orgasm (or something else). Here are some ways to move through sexual anxiety and insecurity.
Schedule sensual time with yourself.
Oftentimes sexual anxiety or insecurity starts from within — they are a call to come home to yourself. If you are feeling disconnected from your pleasure or not confident during sex, spending intentional time with yourself could be helpful. Sexuality is not stagnant, meaning you may experience shifts from time to time in how you feel your body and pleasure that you need to discover yourself. The sexual relationship you have with yourself needs to be nurtured as much as the relationships you have with partners.
During this scheduled sensual time, you may be offering yourself a bubble bath, self massage, exploring sex toys, taking photos of yourself, wearing something that makes you feel good, or eating a delicious treat. You get to decide what gives you pleasure and how you want to hold space for and with yourself. It may be helpful to set an intention going into this time.
Practice sexual communication.
Talking about sex relies on different skills and tools that are often not taught to us. Be gentle with yourself as you practice sexual communication with your partners. Rarely are young people informed how to receive a “no” around sex or how to ask for what they want and how they like to be touched. It may take time for you to feel confident in directing partners exactly where and how to touch you — at first, you may find nonverbal cues to be helpful.
You may even talk about how you want to discuss sex. Ask questions like:
What do you need after you receive a “no” regarding sex? (I.e. maybe you need alone time or cuddles if your partner wants to offer that.)
How do you prefer to navigate insecurities that come up during sex? (I.e. switch positions, take a break and cuddle, nonverbal cue that you need a break.)
What context allows for your desire to flourish? (I.e. fresh sheets, after a meal, in the morning, days when I don’t work.)
Learn more about your desires.
Get curious about what turns you on! This could come in the form of a Yes, No, Maybe list, body mapping, or exploring different erotica or porn to see what feels pleasurable. The sex and kinks that turned you on 5 years ago have likely shifted — there could be things you never imagined finding pleasurable that have become regular sexual acts. Staying curious about your sexual journey allows you to stay in a place of discovery. Your sexual anxiety or insecurity could be rooted in the fact that you are continuing with sexual acts that no longer feel good for your needs and body.
Invite slowness into your sex life.
It can be helpful to slow the process down. While cultural depictions of sex often go from zero to one hundred, taking your time with sensual play leading up to sex may be an anxiety reducing approach. Before you take any clothes off, take time describing to each other how the fabric feels against your skin — use it as a sensual toy in these moments. Take this time to intimately talk about what kind of sex you want to explore — slow intimate sex, hard f*cking, or kinky dynamics. Then you can begin to take steps in that direction together — moving towards and alongside pleasure instead of rushing to the destination of orgasm.
Prioritize pleasure.
Anxiety tends to apply pressure to any situation — making it feel like there needs to be an immediate remedy or resolution to the issue. I want to offer you a reframe for moments you’re feeling anxious or insecure about sex: commit yourself to the process of pleasure and detach from the outcome of a sexual interaction. That is to say, focus on the experience of sex — whether solo or partnered — instead of attaching to the outcome of orgasm. This approach to sex allows you to feel one another's bodies warm up and become turned on. When you prioritize pleasure, there is an invitation to soak up every touch, graze, kiss, sound, and sensation. Every sensual moment becomes valuable, instead of just during orgasm.
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.