G&STC Blog Roundup: Six Blogs About Relationship Structures
We’ve said before: while it’s often said that relationships take work, what they really take is intention. The idea of work brings up a negative connotation. It can make it seem like relationships are constant chores, providing a function perhaps, but not much fun. And relationships can be fun, and sources of joy and support in our lives.
So what does it mean to move intentionally throughout your relationship? Being intentional in a relationship means building some awareness in how you are communicating, offering understanding for your partner(s), actively listening, putting your feelings into words, and staying curious about your partner(s) through open ended questions. It means being present in your relationship, and accepting that every relationship is unique, so there are no scripts or rules to follow–which is both very freeing and also a responsibility we have to take on mindfully.
One way to be intentional about your relationship is to start at the structure. What kind of relationship structure works for you? What kind of relationship structure works for each of your specific relationships? To help you start that exploration, we’ve put together six of our blogs on polyamorous and monogamous relationship structures:
A GUIDE TO INTENTIONAL MONOGAMY
“With monogamy being the societal “norm” of relationship styles, it is often paired with assumptions of heteronormativity, following the relationship escalator, and what is defined as infidelity. There are many people who may prefer monogamy and not want to live with their partner or get married and raise children. Making assumptions of what monogamy means for your partners can cause conflict or miscommunication. Every person enters a relationship with their own needs, wants, boundaries, and expectations — what creates a nourishing relationship is when you’re able to listen, communicate, and find ways to meet the needs of your relationship.”
WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM NON-MONOGAMY
“Accepting that your partner cannot meet all of your needs (and that you can’t meet all of your partners needs) can be a difficult realization, but it’s an important one! Addressing that can help take unfair pressure off of your relationship & allow you and your partner to have an open, honest discussion about your needs. Not being able to have one person meet 100% of your needs doesn’t make your relationship any less significant! It just means that you’re going to have to work out alternative ways to meet them. All partnerships include this in some way–some of us just talk about it more than others!”
WHAT CAN POLYAMORY TEACH US ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS?
“It’s nobody’s business what goes on in your relationship except for the people in the relationship. Polyamory can be confusing to some people because there are so many ways to approach it (hierarchical vs. nonhierarchical, is one example). One of the biggest takeaways from polyamory that anyone can benefit from is that you get to set up your relationship in any way you want to - there are no rules, except for the rules and boundaries that you co-create. Relationships take time and effort, no matter what type of relationship structure you choose, so you may as well explore what works for you and your partner(s).”
10 MYTHS ABOUT MONOGAMY TO LEAVE BEHIND
“This is one of the main scripts of compulsory monogamy: if you aren’t feeling jealous or making your partner feel jealous, it’s not true love. Toxic monogamy upholds the idea that if your partner doesn’t get jealous, they don’t really love you or possibly that they don’t love you as much as you love them. This idea is rooted in an ownership mindset, that partners own our attention, time, and energy. While jealousy is definitely not an indicator of love, it’s also not an inherently negative emotion. Jealousy at its core can also be about insecurity, fear of loss, fear of rejection, or fear of being replaced. Intentional relationships can leave space to communicate through moments of jealousy with compassion for all partners involved.”
MANAGING JEALOUSY WHILE YOUR PARTNER IS ON A DATE
“Non-monogamous relationships may present more opportunities for jealousy to arise as you explore multiple relationships at the same time. Even those who have been practicing ethical non-monogamy for years find jealousy can sneak up while a partner is on a date with someone else. It is a vulnerable experience to love multiple people at the same time — especially when living in a society that prioritizes compulsory monogamy. When it comes to facing jealousy, it’s helpful to explore what is beneath the surface so you can communicate your feelings and needs with lovers.”
“For many of us who practice non-monogamy, the capacity and desire to connect with multiple people is a central part of our identity. It makes sense, then, to feel sad, upset, frustrated, or angry at the thought that we may be restricted from doing so (whether by social or legal guidelines) for some time. At the same time, it also makes sense to feel nervous about, or even afraid of physically connecting with someone outside of your household during a pandemic. While it’s critical that we consider the potential impact on others into our decision-making, we also deserve to hold space for our emotional responses to unprecedented circumstances--whether or not we act on them.”
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