Managing Jealousy While Your Partner Is On A Date
While jealousy often gets marked as a negative emotion, one that may come with guilt or shame, there is nothing inherently bad about experiencing jealousy. In fact, it is something most everyone will come up against throughout their life. When you are able to work with and transmute jealousy, it can provide insight into yourself and your relationships.
Non-monogamous relationships may present more opportunities for jealousy to arise as you explore multiple relationships at the same time. Even those who have been practicing ethical non-monogamy for years find jealousy can sneak up while a partner is on a date with someone else. It is a vulnerable experience to love multiple people at the same time — especially when living in a society that prioritizes compulsory monogamy. When it comes to facing jealousy, it’s helpful to explore what is beneath the surface so you can communicate your feelings and needs with lovers.
Make plans with yourself.
Keeping busy while your partner is on a date is a great form of mental distraction. You don’t always have to perfectly align dates with other people but going out to a movie, taking your dog to the park, or even running errands can help reduce the mind chatter created by jealousy in these moments. While your partner is on a date can also be a wonderful time to really care for yourself. Pamper yourself with a bath, pedicure, long hot shower, and delicious take-out — offer yourself the same love and affection you give lovers. While you relax, try writing down all the things you love about yourself!
Ground yourself in reminders of your love.
Your relationships are not defined by the other dates your partner(s) have. While our thoughts may automatically go to societal narratives that it’s impossible to romantically love more than one person or that if your partner wants to date or have sex other people it means you aren’t enough — those are rooted in compulsory monogamy, not the truth of your relationship. Try creating a folder in your phone with screenshots of loving texts, ask your partner to write you a sweet note before they leave, or peruse through photos you have together. These are reminders of your love that can help ground you in moments when it may feel too scary to keep going. Non-monogamy tends to push on all our deepest insecurities and fears, and having tools and rituals to move beyond that are vital.
Have a therapist or friend on call.
If you know that you might have a particularly hard time while your sweetie is on a date, ask a friend or therapist if they can be available on call during that time. It can be helpful to process these tough feelings with someone external to the situation — they might provide insight you have been missing or simply be able to provide soothing distractions. Jealousy is usually the tip of the iceberg covering up fear, insecurity, lack of self-worth, or anxiety and talking it through with someone can help illuminate what is going on beneath the surface. Asking for support from someone who also practices polyamory or is well-versed in non-monogamy, is especially helpful as you won’t have to explain your relationship to them.
Remind yourself why non-monogamy is for you.
Practicing non-monogamy can push you into uncomfortable growth edges — the spaces where you are invited to shift, evolve, and transform as a human and partner. If you find yourself remembering easier times with monogamy or struggling with intense jealousy, it’s important to know that doesn’t mean you are “failing” at polyamory. Jealousy and feeling challenged by non-monogamy are normal. You are often creating from scratch relationship dynamics that you have not seen role models for.. Try writing down a list of reasons why you are non-monogamous — these serve as a reminder to why the challenging moments are worth it in the long run.
Plan a post-date check-in with your partner.
Knowing that you have dedicated time with your partner scheduled in the day(s) following their date can feel supportive. This time can be used to talk about their time with the other sweetie (if that’s within your boundaries), talk through anything that came up for you, reconnect, and affirm each other of your love. This process builds relational trust as a foundation for your love and can ease jealousy in future moments. These dates serve as a reminder that your love is not threatened by your partner(s) dating other people — your relationship is its own.
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