G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn and Therapist Kerrigan Hummel talk with Gabrielle Kassel at HuffPost About When Relationship Experts Say it’s Actually Fine to Go to Bed Angry.
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn and psychotherapist Kerrigan Hummel talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well+Good about when relationship experts say it’s actually fine to go to bed angry.
For some couples, going to bed angry is actually beneficial, while for others, it’s not. Furthermore, “there is no hard and fast rule if it is [okay period] or when it is and is not okay to go to bed angry,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. Conflict-resolution styles vary person to person, relationship to relationship, and “how and when you choose to work out conflict can also change within a relationship, depending on the issue,” says Kerrigan Hummel, LCSW, psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center.
The are both pros and cons to both paths forward, but one big downside to going to bed angry is that doing so might compromise your sleep because, “unresolved tension can interfere with sleep quality,” says Hummel. And waking up the next morning unrested and still sullen is literally adding insult to injury (or perhaps in this case, injury to insult).
However, going to sleep even when you're angry might be a smart move for you and your partner if one or both of you is so exhausted that you're not able to properly communicate. If you can't engage in productive conversations, going to sleep actually won’t make the fight seem bigger, Hummel says. In this case, taking a pause sets you up for a successful discussion the following day, she says.
Furthermore, sleep itself can become an issue. “If someone is stressed about going to sleep or needing to get a certain number of hours of sleep, that will impact how present they are in the conversation,” says Kahn.
Going to sleep still angry can also be helpful if one or both people are too overwhelmed, stressed, or hurt to move forward in the conversation productively in the moment. “Sometimes taking a break from conversations can help de-escalate the situation, give you a moment to self-soothe, and allow you to take in someone’s perspective,” says Kahn. Here, respecting the benefits of time and space may ultimately help you come to a resolution that feels best for all people involved.
But, Kahn adds, if you do go to sleep without resolution, you can do so while still honoring your relationship with your partner. You might, for example, kiss your partner on the cheek, acknowledge that you love them, or acknowledge that you’re committed to working through your issues together. A quick “we’ll get through this” before turning off the lights could be the difference between your partner sleeping well and tossing and turning all night—even if you haven't resolved your issues.
“Going to bed mad can impact different people in different ways,” says Kahn. If you’re a more generous partner after eight hours of sleep or a few days of space, going to bed angry may actually lend itself to a better outcome. If, however, going to bed upset interferes with your sleep quality, sets the tone for your next day, and triggers your anxiety, it’s best to hash it out, he says.
While hashing it out the next day is an option, pretending nothing is wrong is not. “The one hard and fast rule about conflict is that you need to talk about it eventually,” Hummel says. “Engaging in conflict management early and as needed is essential for the health of a relationship.”
If the issue at hand is serious, and one or more people involved needs time to process, Kahn suggests putting a date and time on the calendar to check in. “Having a plan for when you’re going to continue the conversation is helpful,” he says. This allows everyone to emotionally and mentally prepare for the conversation, while also assuring that resolution will take place—whether or not it happens before bed.