Polyamory in a Pandemic
In the age of COVID-19 and social distancing, the simple act of shaking a stranger’s hand can be anxiety-inducing (and likely best avoided)! But what do these ever-changing, state-specific guidelines mean for those of us who practice polyamory or other forms of ethical non-monogamy?
Keeping it “Ethical”
We live in a society in which monogamy is compulsory--in other words, it’s assumed that we will find one romantic and sexual partner, and stay together long-term. Entangled with this is the idea that exploring relationships outside of a monogamous arrangement is in some way unethical, or even immoral. This has likely only been compounded by messages of social distancing as the “ethical” choice--behaving recklessly and exposing other people to the virus without their consent is something to be discouraged.
If you’re a non-monogamous person struggling with ethical and moral questions around social distancing, you’re not alone. Most people, in one way or another, are weighing the potential dangers associated with physical interaction outside of the home with the fulfillment this contact can bring. Consider having a conversation with any and all partners, however committed you may be to one another, and discussing what decisions feel right to each of you.
Keep in mind that, while the decision to engage in multi-partner relationships typically impacts only ourselves and our partners, doing so (with physical contact) has more widespread implications when we’re working to contain a virus.
Are you interacting with others in public places like grocery stores, pharmacies, or other essential businesses? Could you be potentially exposing at-risk populations to the virus, if you contracted it (even as an asymptomatic carrier)?
But before we start shaming ourselves for our thoughts and desires, let’s take a step back. For many of us who practice non-monogamy, the capacity and desire to connect with multiple people is a central part of our identity. It makes sense, then, to feel sad, upset, frustrated, or angry at the thought that we may be restricted from doing so (whether by social or legal guidelines) for some time. At the same time, it also makes sense to feel nervous about, or even afraid of physically connecting with someone outside of your household during a pandemic. While it’s critical that we consider the potential impact on others into our decision-making, we also deserve to hold space for our emotional responses to unprecedented circumstances--whether or not we act on them.
Taking Precautions
The city of New York recently put out a set of guidelines on safe sex during COVID-19 and suggested folks avoid sex with new people, and group sex. Let’s talk harm reduction here--If avoiding sex with new people is out of the question for you, do your best to reduce any risk of transmission. Consider getting tested prior to and following sexual activity, just as you would for STIs. Ask your potential partner(s) if they’ve experienced any symptoms, or if they’ve been in close contact with anyone who has. Be particularly vigilant if considering group sex, which could exponentially increase your risk of infection. Consider exploring mutual masturbation, if you and your partner(s) are interested. Because COVID-19 is primarily spread through respiratory droplets, keep in mind that kissing is particularly risky as we’re working to contain the virus.
Our reasonable hesitation to have physical contact with a new person is also an opportunity to explore other forms of sexual contact, including phone sex, sexting, and sex over video chat. Of course, in exploring any of these platforms, do your research to ensure your information and any photos shared are as secure as possible.
What Does This Mean for My Hierarchical/Non-Hierarchical Arrangement?
If your relationship arrangement involves multiple partners outside of a hierarchy (in other words, each partner receives a similar quality of attention, commitment, and time), you may have found yourself in a quarantine environment that makes equitably offering care a bit more complicated. Or perhaps you have primary, secondary, and tertiary partner(s), and are isolating with someone who is not your primary.
In any of these circumstances, it can be helpful to reassess your own needs, and your partners’ needs, in relationships. What makes you feel safe, cared for, and valued? If you’re in a hierarchical dynamic, what do(es) your primary(ies) need in order to feel prioritized when physical closeness isn’t an option? Can you establish communication practices that allow you and your partner(s) to check in if and when these needs may not be met?
These are unprecedented times, and we may find that we don’t quite know what we need from one another until we experiment with different ways of showing care, sharing time, and offering support. Be patient and gentle with yourself--and with partners--as you navigate non-monogamy in a different kind of world.
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