Coping with COVID-19: Intimacy & Connection
WHY IS CONNECTION IMPORTANT?
Humans have an undying urge to commune with others. As social creatures, we yearn to feel a sense of belonging; we yearn to feel connected. Think of all the ways in which our society promotes social interaction: sports, book clubs, dating, parties, having/raising a family, school, work. The list goes on. In the world of mental healthcare, we recognize the power of social and peer connection. This is why affinity groups such as grief and bereavement groups, new parent groups, AA/NA/Al-Anon, and race- and gender-related groups are often so effective and beneficial for their members. This is also why one of the key ingredients to a positive therapeutic experience is the therapeutic alliance: the relationship between therapist and client(s). At our core, all we want is to feel understood, to feel that we are a part of something rather than feeling apart from others.
RETHINKING INTIMACY
We crave to relate to others and have them relate to us. This craving has another name, intimacy. Some may shy away from this term or find it unfit for the topic at hand, but intimacy can come in various shapes and sizes. Intimacy, like so many things in life, operates on a spectrum. In its unambiguous form, it pertains to sex and sex-related activities, but let’s broaden our perspective. Intimacy can be an elderly person sharing the story of their life with an old pen pal. It can take the form of a parent rocking their child to sleep. Two strangers can share an intimate moment on the street with just a knowing glance. Intimacy is infused in all of these scenarios because it involves the kind of emotional connection and communication that allows us to be attuned and connected, even for a moment, to another person. After all, the word intimacy itself, on a syllabic level (in-ti-ma-cy), says “into me see.” It is from this base desire to be truly seen by others that we choose to engage in social interactions and show our support to others; it is in these moments of sharing something and feeling understood that intimacy becomes a function of connection.
CONNECTION, INTIMACY AND COVID-19
There is no doubt that this pandemic has changed not only our ability to interact with one another but the way in which we interact with one another. So how, in the age of gloves, masks, and COVID-19 can we manage to stay intimate?
Whether on Google Hangouts, FaceTime, Zoom or another platform, people are finding ways to use technology to connect despite having to physically distance. What’s more, they are not merely focused on the quantity of people they can connect with, but also the quality of the interactions they have. People are looking to find out how their loved ones are doing. This is further evidence of our desire for intimacy and human connection. When we connect with each other on an emotional level, it can provide deeper insight and leave us feeling more fulfilled and more understood. In essence, it keeps us connected, and at a time when we are all feeling more isolated than ever, this may be exactly what we need.
That being said, it can be hard to open up about what we are really feeling during this time of self-quarantine. Intimacy can involve a significant amount of vulnerability. It is important to remember that people are experiencing a profound sense of loss: loss of financial stability, loss of freedom and sense of security, loss of job, loss of sense of self/purpose, loss of loved ones and relationships, and much more. People may have different ways of dealing with these losses and varying comfort levels with discussing their experience.
Here are 5 ways to approach finding out how friends and family are coping:
1. Lay the cards on the table and just dive in.
“How are you really? I want to know how this has been for you.” Letting your loved one know that you are interested in their actual experience and not just the pleasantries of the typical “How are you?” “I’m fine” exchange we’ve grown accustomed to can go a long way.
2. Be specific in your questions.
“What have been some of the hardest parts about this quarantine for you?” Asking a pointed question makes it less likely that they will evade the question with a generic answer.
3. Add some encouragement!
“What are some of the things you have been doing to entertain yourself or keep busy?” Focusing on some of the things we can do at a time when there is so much we can’t do can help facilitate the conversation.
4. Connecting is a two-way street, so use yourself and be honest!
“For me this has been so...how has it been for you?” When you’re the first to share your experience, it makes the other person feel more comfortable opening up to you.
5. Lastly, notice and respect the person’s current disposition or mood.
If they are not willing or wanting to talk in that moment, conveying that you recognize this and that it’s okay can go a long way for any future conversations.
Using these approaches in conjunction with one another will better equip us for authentic and meaningful conversations and allow us to have the intimacy that we all seem to be craving. Despite the ubiquitous nature of the coronavirus and the overwhelming toll it is taking, the longing for intimacy has not been suppressed. We encourage you to continue reaching out to others, supporting and caring for one another and finding moments of intimacy to share.
Some activities that might lend themselves to cultivating intimacy during quarantine are: cooking a meal with someone, virtual happy hour, going for a drive, making time for (virtual) date night, keeping a diary/journal, vlogging, having sex, reading a book or watching a movie/show with someone and discussing your thoughts.
Don’t forget, intimacy is varied; be creative, have fun and stay safe!
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS SPECIFIC BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY G&STC THERAPIST SYMONNE KENNEDY. FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.