G&STC Director Jesse Talks with SELF About Giving Your Vibrator a Break and Going Back to Fingers
Check out Director Jesse Kahn talking with Kasandra Brabaw at SELF about giving your vibrator a break and going back to basics.
“Your fingers are made for touching,” Jesse Kahn, LCSW, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, tells SELF. Both your fingers and the areas you're touching can tell you a lot about what you’re into. Ultimately, your fingers “provide a different sensation than your toys, and can touch you more precisely than a toy can,” Kahn explains.
If you’re unsure how to do that, Kahn suggests starting slowly. Remember that what feels right for someone else might not feel right for you, which is why it’s interesting to do this solo exploration. Kahn also suggests starting with something that will help you relax. You might grab some lotion or massage oil and ask yourself what it feels like as you work the product into body parts like your hands, arms, and legs, Kahn says, adding that this can help you become “more receptive to pleasurable sensations and touch.”
When you’re ready, move on to touching other parts of your body: your chest and nipples, the nape of your neck, your ears, your thighs, your stomach. You can even “touch parts of your body that you don’t think will bring you pleasure, just to see,” Kahn says.
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There are so many great things about going “back to basics” with masturbation right now. Like you said, right now is a time when we’re all home a lot more, so just in a practical sense opting for your hand can offer you a sense of discretion or privacy.
There’s also the possibility that for those whose sex drive has spiked in quarantine, their toys just haven’t been given a chance to recharge! Going “back to basics” can be a way to give yourself that pleasure without having to wait on technology to be ready.
And we’re also just seeing people trying new things out of boredom. We’re going on a year now that we’ve been in this pandemic, so it makes sense that our old routines (even ones as fun as using a vibrator) just aren’t all that exciting for us anymore. Going “back to basics” is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and your body, which in itself can spice up your routine.
Beyond the practical sense, there are lots of other reasons to return to our fingers!
While toys are great, there is a lot about your body to explore that a vibrator or another toy can’t. Your fingers are made for touch! They provide a different sensation than your toys, and can touch you more precisely than a toy can. Beyond the pleasure than using your fingers can offer, it’s a great way to learn your body more intimately.
Physical touch has a grounding power to it, which is great for people who have trouble staying out of their own head or staying present during sex or masturbation. You can focus on sensations both happening where you’re touching and what you’re touching with (your hand) rather than just the sensations given by a toy, helping you stay present in the moment and focused on your pleasure. Because you have to concentrate a bit (at least while finding what feels good), you can’t mentally disengage the way you could with just a toy.
It can also be a healing experience for people.
Some people skip right over using their own hands because relationships with our own bodies can be so fraught. Grabbing a vibrator that gets can provide pleasure without having to be all that intimate with your own body which can be relieving for some. But then, going back to basics, when you’re ready, can be incredibly healing! Deciding you’re ready to be present with your body while you learn what it likes “by hand” can be a homecoming of sorts as well as a building block for a kinder relationship with your body moving forward.
And it’s really different for everyone.
Places that feel good on one person might not feel good on another. But if you’re starting completely from scratch, it’s a good idea to go slower than you think. Put some music on, light a candle, and start by doing something that makes you feel at present and at home in your body (dancing around, deep breathing, stretching, etc.)
Maybe get some lotion and really start with absolute basics: what does it feel like as you work the lotion into your hands? Your arms, your legs? Massaging your body can help get you relaxed as well as make your body more receptive to pleasurable sensations and touch.
Remember that your solo sex time doesn’t have to focus completely on your genitals! There are a lot of other pleasurable places on your body to touch like your chest & nipples, the nape of your neck, your ears, your thighs, your stomach, etc. Those are really just a few of the basic erogenous zones, but there are many and beyond that, you might be especially sensitive somewhere else.
When you are focused on genital touch, remember there is no one right way. While reaching orgasm with a toy can feel somewhat formulaic, using your hands can be as sporadic and exploratory as you want. Experiment with different strokes, starting gently as you learn what you like, and adjusting things like speed and pressure according to whatever feels best to you. You can absolutely stay focused on one area if that’s what feels good to you, but it’s also good to explore the surrounding areas. Touch parts of your body that you don’t think will bring you pleasure–just to see.
And remember to have fun with it!
It’s about your pleasure, so if any part of the exploration isn’t feeling good, switch it around until you find something that does.