Building and Rebuilding Relational Trust
Trust is a relational foundation which allows a connection to flourish.
When you have trust in any relationship dynamic, there is more space for vulnerability, growth, and love. When trust is broken, it can feel near impossible to take steps toward rebuilding that foundation. However, experiencing a crack at the core of a relationship can be an invitation for growth.
While the first thing that may come to mind when thinking of broken trust in a romantic relationship is infidelity, there are many other ways in which relationship trust is maintained and thus can be broken. Having a pattern of going back on your word, emotional withholding, telling half-truths, lying, manipulation, not being accountable for your actions, or continually not taking your partners needs into account are other examples of how trust can be fractured or violated within a relationship.
The five criteria for trust, according to the Gottman Institute, are honesty, transparency, accountability, ethical actions, and proof of alliance. Trust is built over time — which is not to say the level of trust you have at the beginning of a relationship is invalid, only that your trust will continue to deepen through attunement with your partner(s). While it is often said relationships take work, I believe that what they truly need is intention.
What does intention mean when it comes to relationships? It means: awareness in how you are communicating, understanding for your partner(s), active listening, putting your feelings into words, and staying curious about your partner(s) through open ended questions. As you practice building empathy and compassion for one anothers feelings and lived experiences, you are building a strong foundation to work off of when hurt or betrayal happens.
Broken trust or betrayal.
Transformative justice advocate Mariame Kaba posits, “Are you living around other human beings? Then you are constantly hurting and healing.” We will experience and cause harm in our relationships.
But that inevitability does not have to feel terrifying.
When you begin the conversation before betrayal or harm happens, you are building muscle memory for how you want to respond in those moments. How will you move through moments of subtle misunderstandings, unmet expectations, poor decisions, or miscommunication? These proactive discussions allow you to create a plan for more heated moments and build intimacy.
If trust is broken or cracked away at in a relationship, the first decision is: are you and your partner(s) willing to put in the effort to revitalize the relationship?
You may ask questions like:
Are you all interested in making amends?
Will you be able to release the anger and resentment of the broken trust eventually?
Can you see yourself happy in this relationship despite what has happened?
Once those questions have been evaluated, if you decide to continue the relationship, the stages of reviving trust are to atone, attune, and attach.
Rebuilding and healing connection.
The first stage of rebuilding trust takes the person who caused harm making amends and reparations for the betrayal of trust. This may include:
working with a therapist
writing a letter of accountability/apology
continued conversations listening to the harmed partner
repairing actions.
Remember that accountability without changed behavior is only going to repeat past toxic patterns.
While the person who caused harm atones their actions, it is important the harmed keeps an open mind to forgiveness. It can feel tempting to bring up the betrayal during every argument or threaten leaving the relationship out of fear of being hurt again. Release of anger and hurt is valid but it may be helpful to create containers for these conversations through a mediator or therapist — they can help the partners get everything out on the table while the trust is being repaired.
After a semblance of forgiveness is established, it is important to turn focus on attunement in the relationship. Attunement is defined as “the desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world.” Through acts of vulnerability and intimacy, you can find connection.
In this stage of repairing trust it is important to be honest about your relational needs, desires, and boundaries. You can communicate about where you want to grow in this relationship together and how you can rely on one another through a web of interdependence. These acts help rebuild trust.
The final stage of repairing broken trust is attachment. This comes from spending quality time together and physical intimacy.
After broken trust, it can feel incredibly vulnerable for all partners to be physically intimate again. This may take time — be patient with yourself and your partner(s) during this process. Talk about your sexual desires, needs for intimate connection, and boundaries. Integrate sensual touch throughout your days and allow this energy to simmer until you all feel ready to be sexual again.
Sustaining trust.
Many partners who heal from betrayal say that their connection grew stronger and more resilient after putting in the work to rebuild trust. Nourishing relationships takes thorough communication and intention with one another — many of us don’t have those skills innately because the culture we live in doesn’t promote representation of healthy relationships. These skills built up through rebuilding trust will be helpful in sustaining it moving forward. Enacting these communication skills when you begin to feel out of alignment with your partner(s) will help diffuse possible heated moments before they become difficult to manage.
You may find a rhythm in how communication works between you and your partner(s) going forward. Tackling small or seemingly benign misunderstandings will sustain a tight line of trust between you which allows you to focus on the joy and pleasure of being in a relationship with one another.
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