Fostering Open & Honest Dialogue (In Any Kind of Relationship)

We’ve all been there–we want to have a conversation with a friend, partner, or relative, and we just don’t know how to start. Maybe the topic is emotional for one or both parties, or perhaps it’s been a cause of conflict in the past. Regardless, practicing entering a conversation and checking in with yourself frequently can help ease the process along. While these tips for framing and conducting a talk don’t deal with the content of the conversation, they can be helpful in setting the stage for discussing tough or heavy topics.

Get consent. The conversation can easily take a turn for the worse if both parties aren’t ready to engage.

This means that the listener really needs to check in with themself: Are you feeling ready to engage with your conversation partner? Is something else at the front of your mind that may mean a later conversation would be more fruitful? It’s okay to request delaying the conversation, and offer that alternative time.

Example:

“Is it okay if we talk about _____ right now?”

“Sure!” or

“I’d be happy to talk soon, but something’s on my mind right now that’s distracting me, and I might not be able to listen the way I’d want to. What about talking later tonight, after dinner?”

Set a location. Agree on a place where you can both feel comfortable, if possible!

Physical discomfort can be a major distraction when trying to have serious conversations, and while we won’t always be able to mitigate it, it could be helpful to postpone a conversation if needed until a more comfortable environment is available. 

Example:

“It’s kind of chilly in here. Could we go inside and sit on the floor?”

“Sure!” or

“Let’s go inside, but it hurts my back to sit on the floor, and I want to make sure I’m fully present. I’ll sit on the couch, if that’s okay with you.”

Empty your “bowls.”

This means identifying all of the factors that might hinder you from listening actively/participating in a conversation with your conversation partner. You may not need to or be able to resolve these factors before having the conversation.

These factors might be emotional, mental, or physical. Sometimes, it’s unrealistic for us to expect ourselves to fully leave something at the door, especially if we’re navigating difficult issues beyond the conversation. Naming it (in vague or explicit terms, depending on our comfort with our conversation partner) and hearing validation and acceptance may help you feel seen while shifting focus to the conversation at hand.

Example:

“Before we start, I wanted to mention that I’m sick, so I might have to go inside to blow my nose.”

“I’m sorry you’re sick! I didn’t get much sleep last night, so if I start yawning while we’re talking, it’s not because I’m bored.”

Share with one another how you would like to be listened to.

Are you looking for advice or ideas? Do you feel better heard when your conversation partner is silent, or when they nod or provide verbal cues that they’re following?

There are a number of reasons why we have diverse ways of showing that we’re listening--whether due to family behaviors we’ve picked up, norms ascribed to our gender identity (or the gender role into which we were socialized), culturally relevant signals of listening, or just our unique, personal mannerisms. We may feel heard regardless of our partner’s listening style, but for some, getting advice when it’s unwanted can be irritating, and end a conversation prematurely. For others, it may feel like a conversation partner isn’t listening if they remain silent throughout an expression of feelings. Because these responses tend to be well-intentioned, simply touching base on what to expect and what would be most helpful can potentially mitigate feelings of tension or disconnection.

Example:

“I’m feeling really frustrated right now, and I think it would feel good just to vent. I’d prefer if you just heard me out, and didn’t give me advice.”

“Got it, no problem. I usually nod along and sometimes give verbal cues to show I’m listening to someone--does this bother you?”

Talk! Continue to check in with each point above throughout the conversation, and share with one another as issues arise.

This can be a heavy lift in terms of ongoing self-awareness, especially if the topic of the conversation brings up lots of emotions. Practice getting in touch with the physical markers of emotional shifts; some people experience a tightening of the chest, while others feel their face getting hot. When this happens, give yourself an opportunity to press pause and check in with yourself. What emotions are coming up for you? Do you want to express or work through these feelings in the conversation? Doing this self-awareness work can prevent emotional conversations from turning into heated arguments, as they can move us from a state of reactivity into one of responsiveness.

Examples:

“Hey, I know I said I could listen right now, but I just realized that I have a big project due tomorrow at work, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. Do you think we could press pause and come back to the conversation in two hours? I know that I’ll be able to be a better listener then.”

Or

“Could we take a break for a second? I’m having some feelings come up about what we’re talking about, and I want to check in with myself quickly.”

Or

“I just want to name that I’m starting to feel frustrated, and I want to be able to listen to how you’re feeling with an open mind. Do you think we could talk about the frustration for a minute, so I can hear you better afterwards?”

Thank one another for the conversation, and reflect.

Ever sat around running over a conversation in your head, trying to make sense of a certain comment, or gauge your conversation partner’s reaction? Sometimes this can be avoided with an honest check-in at the end of the conversation. How did the conversation go? What did you appreciate about how the other person showed up? Is there anything about the way the other person showed up that was confusing to you, or upsetting? 

Example:

“Now that we’re done talking, I realize that it’s a little distracting for me when you give verbal cues while I’m talking. I can try to get used to it, but could you tell me more about why you do that when you’re listening?”

or

“Thanks for listening--I really appreciated how present you were.”

“Of course--thanks for sharing. It means a lot to me that you felt comfortable being so honest with me.”

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