A Guide to Managing Jealousy

Jealousy tends to get a bad reputation. Because it is often an uncomfortable feeling to deal with, it’s easier in the moment to try to brush jealousy aside as a “negative” emotion than to examine what that feeling is actually trying to tell us. 

While we often want to avoid admitting or talking about our jealous feelings, jealousy is a natural feeling that can help you examine your needs and desires. No matter how emotionally mature and in tune with yourself you are, jealousy can come up in all kinds of relationships–particularly romantic ones. And, while it’s an uncomfortable feeling to sit with, that can actually be a good thing. Having these hard conversations and continuing to ask questions about jealousy can help strengthen the honesty, intimacy, and longevity in a relationship. 

Get to the root of why you’re feeling jealous.

The most important thing you can do when you’re feeling jealous is to figure out where the feeling is stemming from. 

At the root of jealousy is an unmet need, or a feeling that you’re lacking something in your life or relationship(s). It could be something you never thought you’d want, or a desire you’ve buried deep because you feel shame around it. While jealousy can feel hopeless at times, reframing our understanding allows us to nurture fruitful growth from talking about the root of these fears.

Often, we assume that our jealousy exists simply because our partner is spending a lot of time with someone else or is going out after work more than usual. However, more often than not, there is an underlying explanation for that raging feeling gnawing at the pit of your stomach. Most likely, it has nothing to do with your partner, and everything to do with your inner desires. For example, maybe it’s not so much that your partners are spending more time together that’s making you feel jealous, but the fact that the three of you don’t have clear expectations about how time is split in your triad. 

You might discover that your jealous feelings have nothing to do with your partners — and everything to do with you. Whatever it is, noticing your own jealousy helps you get clear on what it is that you want or value and feel like you might not already have. Before sharing your feelings of jealousy with a partner, it can be helpful to check-in with yourself to evaluate whether this an unmet need you can nurture from within. 

Remove shame from the equation. 

Feelings aren’t facts. They are just an invitation to better understand how we interpret the world around us. And by exploring them, we can clarify our own needs and desires. 

Giving room for shame when feeling jealous does not serve the situation. 

When you notice shame starting to creep up around your jealousy, take a moment to invite in some curiosity about what’s going on. How can you use your emotions as a guide to where you can grow with your partner and work on your self growth? Jealousy can be an invitation to build up your self-worth from within instead of relying on someone else to validate you. Or, it’s possible you are simply craving more intimacy with your partner — and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Talk about jealousy with your partner(s).

It can feel intimidating, but when you’re able to be transparent about your needs and desires, you can build a more powerful connection with your partner. It can be helpful to affirm one another's right to feel jealous while gearing the conversations towards a way to work through this moment together. 

Remind yourself, and your partner(s), that there is no “right” way to feel, and that deciding some feelings are “good” or “bad” doesn’t serve either of you. Use your feelings of jealousy as a tool to help explore what your needs are, how they aren’t being met, and how you would like them to be met. 

When you solely focus on eliminating jealousy instead of addressing the underlying need, it can breed blame, guilt, resentment, secrecy, stonewalling, or doubt. Jealousy will not simply dissipate; it can fester, causing anxiety and depression. Getting it out in the open allows you to see where the discrepancy is between your current reality and what you desire. 

Instead of blaming the other person for how you feel, ask them how you can work together to meet both of your needs. You might say something like:

“It’s making me feel kind of jealous that you keep choosing to hang out with your friends after work over me. I’ve realized that’s because I miss going out on fun dates with you, and we haven’t done that in a while. Dates are something that help me feel more connected to you. Do you think we could set aside one night a week for an intentional date together?”

Or, perhaps you’re experiencing jealousy in a non-monogamous relationship or one where you haven’t yet agreed to be exclusive. In that case, try:

“I’ve been having a hard time with jealousy since you went on a date with X last week. It made me realize that I need more clarity around our boundaries for dating other people. Is now a good time to talk about that?”

Jealousy is often seen as a shortcoming or failure — it is quite the opposite. When you practice intentional communication around jealousy and relationship fears, it allows you to deepen the connection. 

Be sure to practice gentleness throughout the process. You can do this by asking your partner to show you reassurance through your love language or making a list of things you love about yourself! 

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