How To Support Your Newly Out Trans Partner
When someone comes out as transgender, the response from loved ones is incredibly valuable. These responses will have a deep emotional impact whether or not the person feels supported and loved by their friends, family, partner(s), and community.
All relationships go through changes and transitions. This opportunity to provide support and love to your newly out partner is no different. It will have growth edges, a learning curve, and new discoveries along the way. There are many different ways in which you can support your partner. We’ve laid out a few below:
Celebrate them!
This is an exciting time in your partner's life! They are coming home to themselves and sharing their vulnerable truths with the world around them. Celebrate this news by thanking them for trusting you enough to tell you. Coming out is often represented as a negative experience filled with pain, broken trust, or relationships ending as a result. Flipping that narrative all the way around and deciding to honor your partner is affirming in and of itself.
Find external support to process your feelings.
It’s okay to have your own emotions and processing around your partner's transition. However, remember that this isn’t about you. Try to find external support through a therapist or LGBTQ center where you can process your emotions, ask questions, and expand your knowledge on trans identity, without putting this emotional work onto your partner. You may have fears that would not be helpful to bring to your partner which can be talked through with an external support person. Having this process is important so that you are able to ensure your conversations with your partner about their gender identity focus solely on their needs right now.
Allow for it to become a part of everyday conversation.
It can sometimes feel overwhelming to talk about vulnerable topics like gender identity and body dysphoria. However, when these topics become normalized as something that can be discussed over morning coffee or an after-work conversation, it can ease the tension. It can also be challenging to always feel like it’s up to the person who is trans to bring up the topic. Remember to stay curious about the fluidity of gender, instead of viewing it as a stagnant identity. Check in regularly with your partner about the language they would like to be used for their body.. These small shifts can make a big difference in someone having an affirming sexual experience. If your partner is starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT), they may experience shifts in sexual arousal or how they like to be touched sexually. Continuing to keep the dialogue open will allow your partner to share these vulnerable truths with you along the way, and feel loved and valued as they share this with you.
Ask your partner what they need.
It’s important to prioritize your partner’s autonomy right now and to ask specifically what they need. While offering advice or advocating for them when out together may feel like support, it could be the opposite of what they want. Instead of making assumptions, ask your partner specific questions like:
Do you want me to come to doctor appointments with you and ask questions if you get nervous?
Do you notice any gender dysphoria triggers, especially during sex, that I can avoid?
What does care look like for you when experiencing a trigger around gender?
How do you want me to advocate for you when we’re out? (I.e. a waiter at a restaurant misgendering them.)
Are there certain people who don’t know and you’d prefer I use your dead name and previous pronouns with? How can we handle those situations to mitigate triggers?
These in-depth conversations allow your partner to know you are curious about their process and want to provide support in a way that feels affirming for them.
Offer support.
Asking for help can be difficult, especially when we most need it. Let your partner know what your capacity is for supporting them. This could come in the form of researching trans affirming doctors near you, looking up legal name change protocol for your state, insurance options for covering HRT or gender affirming surgery, calling the local LGBTQ center for trans supportive services, or holding space for them as they continue to come out to family and friends.
If they know you want to offer support, it may reduce the pressure of some of these daunting tasks. While calling a new doctor about starting HRT could feel anxiety provoking for them, it could be a task you take on along the way. Keeping open communication about your capacity and their needs is vital. Like any transition or big change in a relationship, having patience and keeping the conversation going is vital.
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