7 Tips For Coming Out to Your Family
The end of the year is complicated for tons of reasons (coming up with the money for gifts and parties, interacting with family, wonky weather, endless travel, the same six songs played on a loop in every store, just to name a few). One aspect of the holiday season that many folks take for granted is being on the same page as your family about your sexuality or gender. However, for lots of us, this isn’t our experience at all. Letting your family know your sexual orientation or gender identity can be daunting. Coming out is an incredibly personal experience in the life of queer, trans, kinky and non-monogamous people, and there are many very good reasons that they have waited. In case you’re not familiar with the definition of coming out, here’s one we like:
Coming Out: The process of becoming aware of, proclaiming, and/or sharing with others their sexual or gender identity. [This can also include relationship orientations and structures, kink, etc!]
Some folks don’t have the luxury of safety when they come out. As we know all too well, people can be hateful and violent toward others who they think are different. Not everyone feels safe enough with their family to come out. Some people might not keep in touch with their families at all. Coming out can also be intensely emotional, and it can be overwhelming to think about investing that emotional energy.
Whatever reason you have for coming out or not coming out to your family, remember that you know your own life best. Coming out isn’t something that every person is interested in or able to do, but if you’re ready to let the folks in your life know more about you, keep these 7 tips in mind.
Start small
Unfortunately, coming out can be a process. It’s unlikely that you will be able to come out once and be done with it. With that in mind, don’t pressure yourself to come out to everyone if you’re not ready. You can start small and work your way up. If you can start by confiding in one close family member who you think will be understanding and respectful to you. You don’t have to come out to everyone at once, and there’s no rush.
Keep your support system involved
Who can you turn to for support? Do you have close friends, coworkers, online communities, or classmates that have your back? When you’re ready to come out to your family, don’t go it alone. Let your support system know when you’re planning on coming out to someone new so they can check in with you and see how you’re doing after. If it goes well, you can chat about it with someone who understands and loves you, and if it doesn’t go well you have a trusted friend to help give you comfort.
Share resources
One intimidating part of coming out is answering all of the questions. Some people lose all sense of boundaries when talking about things like this, and you may find yourself fielding invasive or inappropriate questions. Before you talk to your family, take some time to gather some resources to share. That way, you can direct your family to the resources, so it’s not on you to guide them through their own emotional work on this subject. These resources can range from PFLAG to working with a therapist.
Don’t come out until you feel safe
You deserve to be and feel safe. If you have reason to believe that you will be in danger in any way (emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually) when you come out, make sure you have a safety plan in place. Is there a friend or someone close to you that you can stay with so you have somewhere safe to live? Is there someone who can come with you to talk to your family who can have your back if things don’t go well? Remember, you are under no obligation to come out or share personal information, especially if you don’t feel safe doing so. You know your own life best, but remember to be careful.
Set your expectations
How do you want people to respond? Do you need people to listen and not respond? What do you want people to do with this information? Are you available for questions or further discussion on the topic? Let them know up front. Are they allowed to tell other people, or would you prefer to be in control of that? Be clear on when or if they can share this information. Remember, the information is yours to share when and if you’re comfortable, and not anyone else’s.
Get inspired
Do you have a group of friends or acquaintances to talk to for advice? The people in your life probably know you pretty well, so they may be able to give you more personalized tips. You can ask them for their own coming out stories (keep in mind though that this might be painful and some people may not want to talk about it). If you don’t have a local community to turn to, consider looking online. Queer, trans, kinky and non-monogamous communities can be a wonderfully generous space, and you can search for someone to talk to, knowing they have been through it before.
Reframe what coming out means to you
Remember, when you come out to your family, you aren’t asking for their permission or even their approval. While being rejected by family members is unbelievably painful, keep in mind that you are simply sharing your real self with these people. You’re just letting people have the privilege of knowing the real you.
At the Gender & Sexuality Center, we work with many clients at different stages of deciding whether to come out. We’ve witnessed that coming out can provide tremendous relief from stress, but we’re also sensitive to the powerful reasons people have for choosing not to come out. Ultimately, our goal is to ensure that whoever is making the decision to come out feels affirmed and supported throughout the process!
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.