Complicating Consent Beyond Yes and No
Popular consent education courses often focus on phrases such as “Yes means yes” and “No is a full sentence.” While the sentiment behind these statements is true, sexual consent is far more complicated than simply being able to say the words yes or no. While talking about the importance of consent in order to have ethical sex has increased over the past few years, what is often left out of that conversation is exactly how to navigate consent in practice.
Consent is not binary in practice and it is never something to be obtained once.
It is an ongoing, informed, and specific mutual understanding of enthusiastic desire that can be withdrawn at any time and happens in the absence of pressure or coercion.
The phrases used in consent education imply that it is a simple question such as, “Would you like to have sex?” followed by a yes or no by the other partner. However, follow-up information is needed, such as:
What kind of sex do you want to have right now?
What is a yes, a maybe and a no in terms of interacting with your body?
What is a yes, a maybe and a no in terms of specific sexual activities?
What are our safe words/actions?
Do you like verbal check-ins throughout sex?
When is the last time you were tested? And how have you practiced safe(r) sex since then?
Do you want to use barriers?
Lube?
Toys?
What kind of aftercare do you like?
The goal of consent should expand beyond simply having ethical sex to being pleasure focused.
Consent as its own language
The same way you practice Spanish or American Sign Language or even calculus equations, consent takes work. Many of us first need to unlearn messages of non-consent before we can even lay the groundwork of communicating our vulnerable desires and boundaries.
We often pick up messages of non-consent in childhood. One example of this is when family members tell us we need to give an adult a hug even when we don’t want to. Every time a young person says “no,” and that response is not honored, the implication is that their autonomy does not matter.
Children who grow up this way may turn into adults who struggle to say and hear the word “no” in response to vulnerable questions. Getting comfortable with saying “no” when you don’t want something and accepting it from others as them setting healthy boundaries is vital for practicing good consent.
Consent as building intimacy
These talks don’t have to feel heavy or weighted — you’re engaging about the sex you want to have and that’s hot. You can laugh and giggle and smile and be playful and flirty. Yes, consent should be taken seriously. But talking about it can be exciting.
All of these examples are a starting point for an ongoing and fun conversation about what you want to engage in with this person.
“I really want to have sex with you. But I want you to know what my boundaries are and I want to know yours before we do anything else.”
“I’d love to go down on you tonight, what do you think about that?”
“I’m so turned on by you right now and I’d love to take you upstairs, if you want. I’m more of a top when it comes to sexual dynamics. What about you?”
“I’m so attracted to you and I want to have sex with you, consent is really important to me. What do you want to do tonight?”
“How far do you want to go tonight?”
“How do you like to be touched?”
“Are there any places on your body you don’t like to be touched?”
“I love dirty talk — what words feel good to use for your body?”
You can also talk about how you like to communicate during sex. You can let your partner(s) know things like, “Sometimes I’m not the most verbal during sex, but I’ll let you know if/whenever I’m not into it anymore,” or “I really need continual check-ins throughout sex because it helps me stay present and not disassociate.”
Consent is just one piece of the larger communication skills that go into navigating intimate sexual connections — or really, interpersonal connections of any kind, sexual or not.
Nonverbal + Verbal Communication
Human beings are complex communicators — we use multiple forms of language within our interactions. While dialogue is one layer, we are also picking up on body language, gestures, posture, tone of voice, speed of talking, and the person's perceived mood. These layers of communication are what makes consent more challenging than a yes or no question.
We can’t simply ignore the ways in which we nonverbally communicate, especially when it comes to sex. This is the most intimate physical act we can share with another human — our bodies and nervous systems are in a continuous dialogue during sex. Dialing into that conversation between bodies means learning how to pick up on verbal and nonverbal sexual cues.
Some examples of verbal cues during sex could be:
don’t stop
yes
I’m ready
I love when you ________
that feels amazing
I want you
Non-verbal consent could look like:
Open and active body language
Nodding yes
Direct eye contact
Pulling someone closer
Smiling
Being responsive to touch
When someone is not consenting to a situation, they might say:
No, stop
That hurts
Maybe
I’m tired
I’m not ready
Can we slow down?
Body language that might indicate non-consent is:
avoiding eye contact
avoiding kiss/touch
closed body language,
pushing someone away
shaking head no
not responding to touch
When we first started to teach about consent, one of the most common responses we got from adults who had already been sexually active was “I prefer to just read chemistry, what’s so wrong with that? It’s not sexy to talk about it when you can just feel the mood with people.” There is something to be said about reading body language from your partner in the moment and moving together towards pleasure — that’s erotic and sexy and fun and explorative. There’s a feeling of spontaneity — which is how we’re told sex is supposed to look.
American culture makes sex seem like it’s always spontaneous, filled with sizzling chemistry, passionate kisses, and knowing exactly what to do with no communication. We want you to have all the sizzling, hot, passionate sex you want to have! But at some point, verbal cues are important to make sure everyone is comfortable and consenting, especially if you’ve never had sex with this person before.
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