How to Talk About Your Sexual History

We talk a lot on the G&STC Instagram and blog about communication of all kinds. Communication is an essential part of any relationship. Learning how to communicate effectively and listen takes practice and dedication and is a process. Even if you do tend to communicate well with your partner(s), there can be topics that are more difficult than others. For example, talking about your sexual history with your partner(s) can be a tough topic for many, partially because we’re socialized to not talk about sex. This kind of conversation might seem intimidating - it’s an intimate and vulnerable topic. It can be really great to share our histories, whether that be relationship history, sexual history, general life history, and so on. When it comes to sharing sexual histories, that experience can be useful in getting to know each other. Talking about sexual history can shed light on the context that we bring to our current sexual relationships, any meaning-making we do, and the beliefs we bring into the relationship. 

When thinking about sharing our sexual histories, it’s helpful to look at the motivation behind the disclosure. Some questions to explore to get to the core of why you’re talking about this subject are:

• Why is this important to you?

• Do you have any attachment or give meaning to the number of sexual partners?

• What do you hope to learn through this sharing process? 

• What do you hope to share?

• Do you believe this information will impact your current relationship? And if so, how?

There are cultural meanings and attachments to sex, and the meaning attached to the number of sexual partners someone has had varies based on culture and subculture. The meaning you attach to that number may or may not reflect the other person's experience.  It's important to remember that knowing someone's number of sexual partners can be part of the information, but it's not their entire story.

Judging anyone's sexual history based on the number of people they've had sex with usually involves inserting your own meaning onto someone else's experience that may or may not reflect the experience or situation. We encourage folks to question why they want to or don’t want to know this information, why they want or don’t want to share this information, if there is another question that more honestly reflects what they're curious about, and staying aware of their own judgments.

Remember, this isn’t a conversation that you necessarily have to have with every partner. Safety is an important concern, but other factors to consider when having this conversation are the meaning we bring to the conversation, what you do with the information, how you respond, and the types of follow up questions you ask.

What are some ways to make this conversation go smoothly?

• Be aware of meaning you're adding 

  • Like we said above, we all bring different meanings and experiences to our sex lives. The meaning you are making from your partner’s disclosure might be accurate, or it might not be anywhere close. However, try to keep things positive or neutral, instead of creating negative meanings. 

• Reduce judgment

  • Being judgmental can shut the conversation down. Before you go into this discussion, have a chat with your partner(s) about staying open-minded and being respectful, no matter what comes up. You can also engage in some self-care and grounding techniques individually or together.

• Stay curious 

  • Instead of passing judgment on someone for their sexual history, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity and caring. When you focus on being curious instead of judgmental, you can help regulate some of your responses to keep the conversation helpful. 

If you’re not sure what to say or do after hearing your partner disclose their sexual history, that’s okay. Practice your responses beforehand so you’re not caught off guard by the heightened emotions that go along with this type of conversation. 

Some external responses to try are:

• "Cool!" 

• "Fun!" 

• "Into it."

• "How do you feel about that number?" 

• "What does that number mean to you?" 

• "What were your experiences having sex like for you?" 

Some internal responses to consider:

• "What does that number mean to me?"

• "Am I comparing our numbers?" 

• "What does that number bring up for me about my number of sexual partners?"

• "Am I surprised? If so, why?" 

• "Am I judging them? If so what are those judgments?" 

• "It's not fair to judge and add meaning to anyone else's sexual experiences. They trusted me enough to share this number and honoring that trust includes managing my judgments."

Remember, you do not "owe" anyone information about your sexual history. There is some information that is important to share with your partner(s) for health and consent-related purposes. In terms of sharing the number of how many people you've had sex with or details regarding your sexual history, that is for you to decide when, what, and if you want to share. 

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.