G&STC's Director Talks with Huffpost Relationships About How To Ask Your Partner How Many People They've Slept With
CHECK OUT G&STC DIRECTOR, JESSE KAHN TALK WITH BRITTANY WONG AT HUFFPOST RELATIONSHIPS ABOUT HOW TO ASK YOUR PARTNER HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY'VE SLEPT WITH
Here are some highlight points related to sharing and asking your partner(s) how many people they’ve slept with
I can be really great to share our histories, whether that be relationship, sexual, general life, and so on. When it comes to sharing sexual histories, that experience can be useful in getting to know each other, the context that we bring to our current sexual relationships, and any meaning making and beliefs we bring.
When thinking about sharing our sexual histories, I want to know a little bit more about the motivation to know more, such as: why are you interested; is there any attachment or meaning to the number of sexual partners; what do you hope to learn through this sharing process; what do you hope to share; and do you believe this information impact your current relationship?
There are cultural meanings and attachments to sex, and the meaning attached to the number of sexual partners someone has had varies based on culture and subculture. The meaning you attach to that number may or may not reflect the person's experience, so while I think it's important to remember that knowing someone's number of sexual partners can be part of the information, it's not the entire story.
Most of the pros and cons of sharing this information depend on the meaning we bring to the conversation, what you do with the information, how you respond, and the types of follow up questions. Generally, being aware of meaning you're adding, reducing judgement, and staying curious can all help facilitate a positive and connecting sharing experience, while being judgmental and possibly inserting negative meanings may facilitate a rupture or disconnecting sharing experience.
When I'm providing relationship therapy, I generally ask about people's current and history related to sex. I also ask how much they've spoken with others about their current and historical experiences with sex and how much they've shared. Often this conversation can create more space for partners to ask questions and to share experiences they've wanted to share.
Judging anyone's sexual history based on the number of people they've had sex with usually involves inserting your own meaning onto someone else's experience that may or may not reflect the experience or situation. I encourage people to question why they want to know, if there is another question that more honestly reflects what they're curious about, and staying aware of their own judgements.
External responses: "Cool!" "Fun!" "Into it." "How do you feel about that number?" "What does that number mean to you?" "What were your experiences having sex like for you?"
Internal responses: "What does that number mean to me?" "What does that number bring up for me about my number of sexual partners?" "Am I comparing our numbers?" "Why am I surprised?" "Am I judging them and if so what are those judgements?" "It's not fair to judge and add meaning to anyone else's sexual experiences. They trusted me enough to share this number and honoring that trust includes managing my judgements."
You do not "owe" anyone information about your sexual history. There is some information that is important to share for health and consent-related purposes, but in terms of sharing the number of how many people you've had sex with or details regarding your sexual history, that is for you to decide when, what and if you want to share.