When You’re Angry at Your Parents: Processing your Childhood Experiences While Having a Relationship With Your Caregivers
Have you ever experienced a time where you've been working with your therapist and the two of you learn that the following were primarily learned behaviors you picked up from your parent/s and/or caregiver/s:
many of your negative behaviors, patterns, and self-talk habits
the way you negatively view yourself and interact with the world
the way you see your body
your difficulty letting yourself feel difficult emotions
Maybe you did not have the emotional availability that you wish you had from them even though you haven’t questioned it much before. What if they inflicted trauma that they are not aware of?
I can firmly tell you that you are not alone in this. Many have come to similar realizations over and over.
But just because it’s a common experience, doesn’t make it an easy one to come to terms with.
It is even more confusing when you start to unpeel these layers when you currently have a close relationship with your caregivers, whether it is emotionally or in proximity. You may start to realize that a lot of their habits and behaviors are not okay. That they need to stop making comments about your body. That their unpredictable moods actually make you very nervous and on edge. That their current level of understanding and willingness to talk about your identities is actually not enough.
What if you deeply care for your parent/s but you realize they have negatively impacted you? How do you still maintain the joyful parts of your connection with them but also set new boundaries and ask them for changes? Where do you start?
First, it is important to acknowledge how much information you are taking in right now, and it is okay to be angry.
These patterns originating from your childhood may be very new information and the way you view your upbringing is beginning to drastically change. It is normal to begin to feel new feelings towards your parent/s and it is normal to not know what to do with them. Common experiences may be with resentment, sadness, and anger, although it is different for each person. What emotions are coming up for you? What is your openness to experiencing them and why? Know that you are allowed to be angry, to feel sad, to grieve. Let these emotions take their course.
It is okay to need some space.
As already mentioned, this is a lot of information to take in. You may need to take some time away from your everyday interactions with your parent/s. Depending on your relationship, you can tell them why, but you do not have to. If you live with them, space may not exactly mean physical space, but emotional space. This may be uncomfortable to navigate in the home, but it’s important to take care of yourself and take this all as slowly as you need to.
If you choose to speak to them about this, what do you want them to know?
Depending on your relationship with your caregivers, you may want to at some point vocalize these feelings. How could you pinpoint exactly what you want to say? First, what is your best way of checking in with yourself? Does journaling, speaking to a therapist, processing with a trusted friend/partner work best for you? Through this outlet, try figuring out what you would like to say to them. Do you want them to know how this emotionally impacted you? Did it impact your relationships? Do you need to see changes in their behavior? If so, what specific changes? Do you need to make changes in your behavior? If so, what specific changes?
Next, how would saying these things out loud look like with you and your parent/s? Do you need to prepare the information on paper, or from memory? Would planning a specific meeting time with them to have this conversation be best?
Finally, what kind of relationship can you have with them through all of this?
The answer to this is very individualized. If you still want a close relationship with your parent/s but also want to have an honest relationship with them, this is possible. Maybe this looks like a relationship where your thoughts and feelings are heard and understood. It can also be one where they are held accountable for their actions and you can ask for changes in behavior where needed. If they are receptive to your feelings and observations and can hear what you're saying, this balance can be worked through in collaboration with them. However, if you do not feel as heard and understood as you would like to be, think about the degree of closeness and emotional openness you can have with them while still feeling safe and grounded around them.This may mean less closeness than before which can feel like a significant loss. You deserve to feel fulfillment and respect in your relationships. Sometimes, parent/s are not emotionally mature enough to change or hear you, even when they were supposed to be the adults while you were growing up. No matter how clearly you communicate your feelings, some people are not equipped to listen. What other support and relationships in your life do you feel seen, heard, and embraced by? Where else could you find that feeling? You are worthy of being known.
Coming to terms with the effects of parental influence on mental health and self-image can be a very unexpected grieving process which is often not acknowledged in everyday conversation. Know that processing this all is not easy, but you are not alone. I hope that the relationship that you do choose with your parent/s provides the respect and nourishment that you should have. If not, then I hope that the relationships you are surrounded with look just like that.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAININGADINA GUTIERREZ FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.