Tips for Healing from Queer Impostor Syndrome
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re not queer enough? You’re far from the only queer person who has ever felt that–so many of us experience this queer imposter syndrome at some point in our lives.
What is queer impostor syndrome?
Queer impostor syndrome is a term for that feeling that tells you that you’re not queer enough, despite your queer identity. This self-doubt is rooted in the shame of the white cis-hetero patriarchy, but those standards are still sometimes upheld within queer communities, alienating & othering those who don’t fit neatly into specific boxes or labels. While there are infinite ways to be queer, and we hope that our queer communities would be places to celebrate all of those identities, in reality it’s not always so. Straight trans people or bisexual people with partners of other genders, or nonbinary people who aren’t quite sure how they relate to other queer identities, among others may all be vulnerable to experiencing this queer imposter syndrome. So what can we do about it?
Below are some tips to keep in mind when trying to heal from queer impostor syndrome.
Remember that queer people are not a monolith.
This means that all queer people are not the same just because they identify as queer. Queer is by design an umbrella term, meant to encompass anyone outside of the cis heteropatriarichal norm. One bisexual person does not have the same experiences, desires, appearance, or interests as all other bisexual people just because of their sexuality. While this may seem obvious, it’s not to some. Remember that queer stereotypes are not a representation of the community. It’s okay if you don’t understand some references considered by others to be queer canon. Not all lesbians watch The L Word! You don’t need to know the contestants on this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, read queer theory, or own a single rainbow to live your best gay life! This goes for gender as well. You do not owe anyone a specific presentation. Nonbinary people do not need to be androgynous! Your queer identity is defined by you, not anyone else.
Recognize that there is no correct queer timeline.
People realize their queerness at different points in their lives, and realizing later in life does not make your identity any less valid, or your life any less queer. Everyone has a different lived experience and there are so many reasons someone realizes or expresses their queerness later in life. Perhaps it wasn’t safe to explore their identity where they lived. Or they just never knew the vocabulary for what they were feeling until they discovered a sex-educator’s profile on social media.
You are still queer if you are not out to your family, friends, coworkers, or anyone! You don’t have to come out to embrace your queer identity. Sexuality and gender are expansive and fluid, therefore ever changing! Be gentle when reflecting on the past of yourself and others.
Appreciate that sexuality and gender are complex and nuanced.
Our sexuality and gender identities are feelings that happen internally, so no one can tell you what you feel but you! Labels are societally-informed words we affix to these feelings to categorize ourselves with others, and honestly sometimes they don’t do our beautiful internal world justice. It can be difficult to find the right label that makes us feel comfortable. Sometimes it’s a few labels, sometimes it’s none. Sometimes they change with time or space. And that’s okay! Use the terms to describe yourself that feel most comfortable and affirming.
Embrace exploration.
Normalize exploring your desires and interests. You don’t have to have all the answers now or ever! Try labels or names out to see how they feel. Try different clothes, makeup, and hairstyles that you are drawn to. Try different kinds of sex that you are interested in. Nothing has to be permanent and you don’t have to like everything after you try it. Consistently check in with yourself to see how you are enjoying fresh changes in your life. Sometimes finding what feels right means finding a few things that don’t feel right first.
Remember that identity is not based on experiences.
The identity you feel is not always reflective of the experiences you have. Some asexual people have sex, that doesn’t make them any less asexual. Not having experienced gay sex does not make anyone less gay. Putting people into boxes based on their experiences erases the complexities and contradictions we all have within us, and reduces them to an idea rather than a person. An example of this is the rampant bi-erasure we see in society, especially regarding bisexual people that are in heterosexual-appearing relationships. A bisexual ciswoman is still bisexual even when she is married to a cisman–and further, you cannot tell someone’s gender by looking at them. While a relationship may look straight to you, the people within the relationship may be queer in any number of ways. Everyone is on their own journey of love and acceptance!
Create a mantra.
When you are feeling the weight of queer impostor syndrome, it can be helpful to have a mantra. Mantras are short affirmations you repeat to yourself and can provide grounding and comfort, especially during feelings of depression or anxiety.
Some examples of mantras to remind yourself of your queer power:
I am queer enough
Only I know my true inner world
I am the only me
My fluidity is beautiful
I deserve joy and peace
Focus on queer joy.
The oppression that LGBTQIA people face in society has led many to focus on the pain that can come along with the queer experience. Some people, especially those that are straight-presenting or come into their queerness later in life feel like they are less queer because they have experienced less explicit homophobia than other people in the community. But having derogatory language thrown at you is not a requirement for queerness, it is just a reflection of a homophobic and transphobic society.
While it should not be overlooked, suffering is not the whole queer experience. In fact, it’s far from it. There is so much queer joy in the world! Find what feels like queer joy to you and share it with your loved ones. Experiencing queer joy is an act of defiance against the white cishet patriarchy.
Find community that feels good for you.
The queer community is so expansive which is why it is important to find your own pocket of community that feels comfortable to you. There are still many gate-keeping people in the queer community that make others feel like they don’t belong, if you encounter these people recognize they still have healing to do and focus your energy elsewhere.
Activism spaces can be great ways to meet other people that are trying to advocate for change. Sex parties can be a space to empower yourself and find play partners. And there are also quieter groups like queer book clubs, queer foraging groups, and queer knitting circles.
Finding your community does not have to mean meeting with people in person either. There are so many online communities that can offer spaces of support and shared interests. Finding community online can also feel safer when exploring new identities and desires. There is no one right way to find community, all that matters is that you feel supported!
Talk to a queer-affirming therapist.
As stated before sexuality and gender are complex topics that can feel overwhelming, especially when you are feeling unsure. Talking to an affirming therapist can help you explore your queerness, find joy, and heal from queer impostor syndrome. Find someone that creates a safe space and you can be open with. Your journey is special to you but that doesn’t mean you have to navigate it alone!
Remember, you are queer enough!
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING EMILY LUNN. FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.