G&STC Director Talks with HuffPost About The Ethics of Breaking Up Online
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Jay Deitcher at HuffPost about whether it’s ever okay to break up with someone online or over text.
“‘Keeping the illusion you’ll be traveling to see a long-distance significant other in the future “might mislead someone into thinking things are good when they’re not, and that could be really painful and make it even more complicated,’ said Jesse Kahn, a psychotherapist and the founder, director, and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.
Traveling for a breakup could also put you or your significant other in a bad situation. ‘They’re taking a flight to you, and they’re stuck in either your apartment or in your city,’ said Kahn. ‘Maybe they don’t have money to get their own hotel. Maybe they don’t have friends or community there. Maybe they don’t have the funds to rebook a flight and just turn around.’
Sometimes an in-person breakup can be more damaging than a virtual breakup, Kahn said. ‘There’s probably no perfect way to break up with someone and each person will have their own preferences and needs. All you can do is come to it with a level of empathy, compassion, care, respect and value of your time and your relationship.’
‘Someone could end a relationship via text in a way that’s really thoughtless and inconsiderate and hurtful. Or they could end it over text in a way that’s really caring and really thoughtful and really considerate,’ Kahn added. ‘It’s perhaps more about what you say, and what you do and don’t say and how you phrase it, rather than the method in which you’re communicating.’
No matter if the relationship is long-distance or you are meeting locally for a date, it is considerate to tell your significant other that you plan to break up before they meet up or talk with you, even though that can be scary. It gives them power over their decision and values their consent over how they spend their time, said Kahn.
He recommends saying something like, ‘I care about you, and I value your time and respect you in this way. So I want you to know that I’m coming into this hang out together [to break up], and that might mean you don’t want to hang out with me and that’s okay. I want you to have that option.’
If you chose the wrong method to break up with your ex and hurt them, it’s okay to apologize for it.
But before you take that step, Kahn said it’s important to ask yourself some questions: ‘Who is this apology for? Why am I doing this? Is this going to help them? Is this gonna hurt them? Is this going to help me? Is this going to hurt me? Are we in touch? Is this going to put us in touch? What are the implications of that?’
If you come to the conclusion that apologizing is the right move, Kahn recommends explaining that hurting them wasn’t your intention, but you reflected on the situation and realized you did hurt them. Then state, “I’m so sorry for how I did that. That was thoughtless of me or inconsiderate of me.’”