Coming Out vs Letting In: Living & Sharing Truth
From personal declarations to public headlines, most of us have heard a coming-out story.
Whether abruptly or slowly, the process of opening the door and stepping out to look around can feel like the first step in the journey of claiming your space. Even the phrase “coming out”, a term borrowed from debutante culture, now colloquially turned gay metaphor, is popularized as a liberating experience from the stifling confines of the closet that has kept us separate from the rest of the world.
Because of this idea, the act of coming out itself has taken on a life of its own, often providing many of us a template for what is expected of us and how we should go about this disclosure to our straight/cisgender/monogamous counterparts. While this template can often provide us with the security of knowing that we are not alone and that others have been there before us, the other side of this is that coming out can also come with the expectation that our identities should be shared and, by default, are somehow meant to be public. This unspoken expectation can contribute to the pressure that many of us feel to come out. And, while coming out is intended to be a way to celebrate your authentic self, the expectation to come out gives the impression that your sexuality or your identity belong not to you, but to everyone else, and that you somehow owe them an explanation.
Across the gender and sexuality spectrum, each of us has our narrative and journey in terms of sharing who and what we are. Coming out often isn’t a singular event, and because many of us have evolving identities that change over time as we come to a deeper understanding of ourselves, many of us find ourselves coming out in different ways with different labels over time. Whether it is work, family, partners, etc there is very rarely a time in which coming out is just a one-time deal.
This then begs the question, why do we come out?
Even though the process of coming out is perhaps a, continuous, lifelong process for many of us on the Queer, Trans, and Poly spectrum, the same fears can still arise time and time again. Should I tell them? When should I tell them? How should I tell them? One coming-out conversation might not be enough in and of itself; whether due to the shifting nature of our identities or the limitations of language which can’t always properly express what we’re feeling internally, we may find ourselves needing further, and deeper conversations with our loved ones.
The language of “coming out” implies that by coming out we’re acknowledging that we’re something on the outside of the norm, leaving ourselves open to the judgments & reactions of others within the norm.. However, there is another way to understand coming out: you’re allowing yourself to be seen in the truth you already know. Rather than telling someone out of a feeling of obligation, you are letting them into your world, gifting them the ability to see your authentic self as you discover it. For those of us whose identity cannot be neatly summed up with words, but instead can only be experienced by being in community with another and allowing them to truly see you, the reframe of coming out to letting in might be more true to life.
Letting in:
The process of letting in is to extend an invitation from the outside looking to the inside seeing. Inviting in gives us the power to decide with whom we wish to share our truth and experience. As opposed to having an obligatory coming out story or statement, the idea of letting in acknowledges that who we are as people, nor how we experience the world experience, can ever be neatly summed up into a simple conversation but instead a continuous process of sharing ourselves if we wish.
For those of us in the process of letting others in, we need to consider a few things, the most important being: is this person(s) safe, and does letting this person in bring me comfort? While there is no right way to let someone in, we must weigh the possibility of how this can affect our lives and how it could also bring us closer to the other person/people in our lives.
For those of us who are thinking of letting someone in it is important to remember:
Trust - trust our intuition and how this news will be received
Weigh - weigh all the possibilities
Understand - that this is a continuous process
For those of us who are being let in by another, it is important to remember to:
Listen - be present and allow the other person to speak their truth to you
Affirm - validate what is being said to you and acknowledge the vulnerability behind it
Ask - ask respectful clarifying questions and ask about what is and is not okay to ask
Ultimately, we each should have the choice of whom we let see us. Inviting those we care about into our lives is an intimidating thing to do and is different for everyone, but remember it is your choice. To let someone in is to trust and choose to be in community with another person whom you wish to see you. Every experience is unique and must be navigated in the way most comfortable for you. There is no one right way.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING DUNCAN RICHARDS FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.