Grieving and Queerness During the Fall Season
The word grief often calls to mind images of black veils and death. So it makes sense that for as much joy as the spooky season brings us, it also gives us the opportunity to engage with feelings often associated with the aesthetics of the season. In the last few weeks, the falling of the leaves and drop in temperatures give us a reason to listen to our tired bodies and stay home and rest. Rest heals us because it gives time and space to engage with feelings we may otherwise be too busy to sit with.
What is grief?
Grief is complicated, limitless, and ever changing. It asks us to look at the pain of endings in our lives and cradle it tenderly even in the face of the oppressive systems that demand we work through seasons of loss, painful remembrance, and spiritual exhaustion.
We may be most familiar with the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. Yet, many of us have also had to learn to mourn the ending of deeply meaningful relationships with people who could not see or love us past their homophobia or transphobia. As queer people, we have had to learn to find new beginnings even in the midst of the endings. Octavia Butler wrote, “the only lasting truth is change.” Life guarantees us change which brings opportunities and new beginnings, as well as endings and loss.
Trauma and grief therapist, Dariela Vasquez, says of grief: “many endings and beginnings in our lives have not been grieved, honored or acknowledged [...] taking time to create rituals in our lives that do just that give us an opportunity to grieve the ending, honor the beginning, and acknowledge the seasons of our lives” (source).
How can we make space to grieve?
Autumn rituals
Over the course of our life, seasonal traditions that we look forward to every year become rituals that can either trigger or welcome different emotions. For example, the pride festivities of the summertime can welcome joy while at the same time triggering feelings of isolation if you cannot participate safely in these celebrations.
Conversely, the fall provides a collective invitation to grieve that which we usually push aside. As the government continues to push us to ignore the realities of an ongoing pandemic that has resulted in the passing on of millions and complete shift in our daily lives, this season gives us permission to engage with death, acknowledge our loss both as a society and as individuals, and rituals to ground these feelings. Whether it be through long-held cultural customs or personal traditions that you or your family have cultivated through the years, these annual traditions remind us to lean in to the feeling and trust that we can heal with time.
What are some traditions, cultural or personal, that you look forward to every year? What do they mean to you? What intentions would you like to set for this season?
Coziness as a form of rest
Navigating transitions may require that we push through feelings of mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical exhaustion due to the demands of capitalism and white supremacy. Fall aesthetics like warm drinks, freshly baked treats, and even the warm reds and oranges of the leaves can encourage some gentleness into our lives that allows us to move through the pain and fatigue with self-compassion and care. What makes you feel cozy? What fall aesthetics do you find yourself gravitating towards? How did you feel about the fall season when you were younger?
Vocalize the pain
Because we have to push through, we rarely get the chance to just say out loud or to even acknowledge to ourselves the pain that we carry throughout our lives. Even as we set the intention to grieve, we can sometimes forget the power of our voice to soothe our own pain through validation and acknowledgement. Therapy can offer a space to vocalize your pain safely and have it received with care, as can other relationships or even spaces such as a support group or close-knit team. We may find that when we have been carrying pain in silence for so long, when we go to speak the words they get stuck in the throat and struggle to come out even with a loving and caring person listening.
We may feel frustration with our own voice and inability to express what we know so intimately, however, this season challenges us to embrace and nurture those parts of ourselves that we have kept hidden for so long. When we do this, we give ourselves permission to grieve and receive care from ourselves and others, and in that we begin to heal.
Bring awareness to seasonal triggers
After years of existing, the seasons begin to intersect with both the joyful and harmful moments we experience in our lives. Whether it be earlier nights that remind the body of past bouts of seasonal affective disorder or staying home with the flu bringing us back to moments of intense loneliness, to the holidays of the season activating our fight or flight response, for many of us the seasonal changes can challenge our sense of safety. We may then find ourselves reacting to and reliving some of the most painful moments in our lives. In reflecting on these moments in the past we can make space to honor them in the present.
What feelings come up as summertime comes to a close and the days begin to get colder? How do you prepare for the winter? What significant changes have occurred in the fall throughout your life? The answers to these questions and your own reflections can bring you closer to holding space for your grief with gentle awareness.
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