Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about retiring the term “lesbian bed death”
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about retiring the term “lesbian bed death”.
What does the term “lesbian bed death” mean?
“Traditionally, lesbian bed death refers to the phenomenon (read: myth) that women who are in a relationship start having less and less sex over time, until it stops altogether, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, a queer sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. Basically, it’s a lesbian-centric moniker for a dead bedroom, which generally refers to a relationship that is void of sex.”
Reigniting the sexual spark in your relationship
“If you and your partner have been together a long time, odds are strong that you’ve fallen into a routine. In many cases, you might feel like you do everything together, from grocery shopping to walking the dog to brushing your teeth. Quality time is important in a relationship, but finding things to do on your own can do your sex life a serious solid, per Kahn.
This practice is called erotic differentiation, and according to Kahn, it works wonders. ‘The idea is that having shared and separate spaces, hobbies, passions, friends, and interests can facilitate sexual and romantic desire,’ they explain. How? Essentially, by giving you an opportunity to miss one another!”
Try new things
“No one wants to have sex that feels stale. That’s why Kahn suggests trying things in bed that bring you joy—or, at least, have the potential to. ‘Modifying a rigid sexual repertoire could look like [trying] new toys, exploring different kinks or BDSM practices, role playing, going to sex party, trying swinging, dirty talking, sexting, talking about your sexual fantasies, having sex in different locations, trying new positions, and/or attending a sex specific class together,’ they say.”
Try scheduling sex
“I know, I know—this one comes with some negative connotations. ‘People act like scheduling sex can be boring and signals something negative about their sex life,’ says Kahn. But the thing is, sex is like anything else. If you want to do it, you have to make time for it, they say. ‘Scheduling sex signals that you care about your sex life, want to make time for it, and want to have it,’ they say.”
Work with a queer-informed sex therapist
“Oh, and because stressing about your sex life can have the same libido-lulling effects, Kahn suggests working with a queer-informed sex therapist if you're feeling anxious. They’ll help you manage expectations around sexual frequency, unpack any internalized homophobia or societal expectations that could be contributing to this anxiety, and give you tips for talking to your partner about sex.”
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Sexual desire doesn’t always stay the same
Regardless of if “lesbian bed death” is a real thing, it brings up important questions about maintaining long term desire, that desire and frequency can change over the course of your relationship and how to both normalize and address those changes.
Talk about sex
This can be talking about the lack of sex and making a plan together for how to have the sex life you want, and it also be talking more about sex in general including desires, fantasies, etc. Sometimes folks feel shame around sex so it’s hard to talk about or think it’ll just resolve on it’s own - but communication is key here. When thinking and talking just remember that lulls in desire are common and caring about that lull can be an opportunity for evolution and expansion, to question the scripts you’ve internalized about sex, to question the scripts of your relationship in ways that facilitate growth together, to share fantasies you’ve yet to share and to re-energize your sex life.