Ask a Queer Therapist: Gender Affirming Practices
“Over the last several years, I’ve had a few friends tell me that they are undergoing a gender transition, or that they are using a different a name and/or pronouns. I’m not queer-identified, but I’ve always had a very diverse group of friends, and consider myself to be very queer-affirming. Still, I sometimes wonder, what’s the best way to affirm someone’s chosen gender?”
Dear Ally,
Take a page out of the Nike slogan book: Just Do It.
I jest a bit, but not entirely. The best way to affirm someone’s chosen gender is really to just do it. Don’t interrogate them about it, don’t doubt them, don’t question the validity of their decision. Simply accept it as a new fact that you’ve learned about them, and proceed accordingly.
Now, the tricky part is that in order to proceed accordingly, you need to know what this specific person needs in order to feel affirmed by you in their gender-identity.
There are some basic things that apply to everyone: use the name and pronoun(s) that someone asks you to use, don’t express shock or dismay when he/she/they tells you about their transition. And certainly, above all else, DO NOT doubt that what they are telling you is true.
Some people wonder if it’s ok to ask the person coming out questions about themselves and the answer is…maybe. Most people will be ok with you asking if it’s ok to ask them questions! But if they tell you no, then respect that answer and DON’T ASK THEM QUESTIONS. If they tell you yes, then please be mindful of the types of questions you ask and the language that you use. The list of things to avoid asking about usually includes: surgeries, hormones and genitalia. Also, don’t lament about how much you’re going to miss calling them by their old name, or how hard it will be for you to use different pronouns, etc. However hard it’s going to be for you, it is 1000% guaranteed that what they will go through is harder.
As for what kinds of questions you can ask, you might start by asking them about their process of self-discovery, or what they’re most excited/nervous/happy/scared about in sharing this information with you and other people.
You might ask them what support looks like for them, which isn’t the same for every person.
Some people want support that’s LOUD and CELEBRATORY, e.g. please correct other people when they use the wrong name or pronoun for me, tell everyone you know about this and how excited you are for me, etc. Other people want support that’s quiet and subdued e.g., please use the correct pronouns and name when speaking to or about me, but otherwise I don’t want to talk about this again.
In short, the best way to affirm someone’s chosen gender is to ask them what the best way is for them.
Don’t assume you know what’s best based on your own experience, or your experiences with other people. Which, honestly, is a good philosophy for most things in life, not just this topic.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist