Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good About Micro-Cheating
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good about micro-cheating.
What is micro-cheating?
“‘Micro-cheating refers to any subtle behaviors that could indicate emotional, romantic, or sexual interest in someone(s) outside of your relationship,’ says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. Specifically, an interest that would break the agreements you have with the partner in question. While small and often innocuous on their own, micro-cheating behaviors are an inappropriate breach of your relationship’s implicit or explicit boundaries. Kahn adds that micro-cheating can be damaging to your relationship if not reeled in.”
How is it different from regular cheating?
“Cheating—of both the micro and macro variety—is anything that exists outside of the agreements of what is emotionally, physically, sexually, or otherwise permissible in your specific relationship, says Kahn. The difference between the two types is the severity, intensity, or frequency of the boundary breach, they say.”
What counts as micro-cheating?
“Other examples of micro-cheating, per Kahn, could include any of the following. The key word here is could. Every relationship has its own implicit and explicit relationship agreements, and thus what qualifies as breaches or near-breaches of those agreements will vary.
Encouraging someone to flirt with you (for example, by flirting back or not shutting it down).
Not mentioning that you are in a relationship in social settings, or minimizing its seriousness.
Obsessively engaging with someone’s social media—in particular if it is sexual in nature.
Spending money on someone else without consulting your partner or telling them afterwards.
Speaking negatively about your partner to an ex, other partner, or mutual friend, etc.
Keeping the intensity or frequency of your communication with someone under wraps.
Continuing to “water” your relationship with an ex.
Pouring erotic or sexual energy into people or things such that there is none left for your partner.
Dressing a particular way in front of (or for) someone else because they know they’ll like it.“
Secrecy can damage relationships
“...secrecy is a “primary ingredient” of emotional cheating—which is also a main sign of micro-cheating. Plus, ‘both can still be damaging to the relationship as a whole,’ says Kahn.”
“‘Micro-cheating can certainly impact your relationship,’ says Kahn.”
Can our relationship come back from micro-cheating?
“The specific shape of micro-cheating, its frequency and intensity, the repair attempts the micro-cheater made in the aftermath (if any), and what kind of distance it has put between partners, will likely impact whether or not the couple can come back from it, Kahn says. While a single micro-cheating incident in isolation is unlikely to sink your relationship, ‘collectively, however, they can create discomfort and erode trust within a partnership.’ Think of it as death by a thousand paper cuts.”
“Further, if the micro-cheating actions have been of the serial cheating variety—as in, you’ve had a conversation, they’ve vowed to change, and then keep doing it—there is likely an insurmountable distance between the partners that cannot be easily repaired, says Kahn.”
Addressing micro-cheating
“‘You want to make sure you and your partner are both in an emotional and mental state and physical place to talk about it,’ says Kahn.”
“In the event that you want to talk to your partner about cheating, Kahn suggests using “I” statements that express your own feelings. ‘This approach can help encourage empathy from your partner,’ they explain. You also want to do your best to avoid finger-pointing, as all of these things can put them on the defensive and keep you from having a productive convo, they say.”
“Equally important as initiating these discussions is listening to what your partner says. ‘It’s important to get to share your perspective and for your partner(s) to share their perspective without being interrupted,’ says Kahn. ‘You can practice active listening by paraphrasing what they say to ensure you understand their viewpoint correctly.’”
“If you are coming clean as a micro-cheater, it’s important to recognize that while you have likely been coming to terms with the fact that you cheated for days, weeks, or months, your partner is just now getting confirmation that you’ve (micro)cheated. Here, ‘it is especially important that your partner(s) feels listened to and like you understand and validate their feelings and experience being cheated on,’ says Kahn.”
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Intention vs. impact
However, at the heart of micro-cheating is intention. For example, poor boundaries refers to a lack of clear limits or communication, leading to misunderstandings or discomfort within the relationship. Micro-cheating often implies intention or action, while poor boundaries may stem from ignorance or negligence, or a lack of action.