G&STC Director Jesse Talks with Kesley Borresen at HuffPost about What to Do When the Relationship is Fulfilling but the Passion is Lacking.
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn’s talking with Kesley Borresen at HuffPost about what to do when the relationship is fulfilling but the passion is lacking.
Instead of worrying about what you think sex “should” look like, focus on figuring out what actually appeals to you.
“Sex scripts are the narratives and beliefs you have about sex,” said Jesse Kahn, sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center. “This could include what you think qualifies as sex, what sex has to be like, what sex looks like with different people and partners, and how gender defines sex roles.”
“Maybe the current script of what sex is doesn’t work for your relationship,” he continued. “But if you change or broaden your understanding, you may find that you enjoy way more sexual activities together.”
Talk about your sexual histories and hang-ups first.
Laying some ground rules about how to talk about sex and discussing any sex-related baggage (or trauma) you’re each bringing to the relationship can increase self-awareness on your end, while giving you a better understanding of your partner too, Kahn said.
When your partner responds, really listen.
After you’ve said your piece, give your partner a chance to share their feelings and perspective.
“You can repeat back what you hear your partner saying and then give them an opportunity to clarify,” Kahn said. “Validate, empathize with and work to understand what your partner is saying.”
Slowing down the conversation this way will generate more thoughtful responses and minimize defensiveness, Kahn added.
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
Every relationship and person is different, so I think there are people and relationships that could suffer and struggle, and others may manage well and thrive if feeling "out of sync" sexually with their partner(s). It comes down to what is important to each person in the relationship, what their beliefs are about sex and relationships, and how that impacts what they want their relationships to look like sexually.
Many cultural narratives inextricably link sex and romantic relationships and that doesn't fit for every relationship and every person. It can be beneficial to be able to identify what is an inherited cultural narrative and have the space to decide what works for you.
It's useful to know what works for you, what you want your sexual life to look like, how much of that you want to involve your partner(s) and some alternatives to that ideal that you'd also like or love.
Second, it's important to remember that there is no right or wrong, or script that you have to follow. We all get to design our relationships in a way that works for us, our needs, our relationships and the sex we want to have in our lives.
Start by setting up some ground rules about how to talk about sex, sharing your histories having conversations about sex, and what narratives and beliefs about sex you bring to the conversation. This can increase self awareness, deepen your understanding of your partner, and help minimize adding meaning into what your partner is saying to you.
It’s important to remember that just because you’re listening, holding space, validating and empathizing doesn’t mean that your own experience and feelings aren’t valid. And it’s important to give your partner space to express and be listened to, in the same way they will also hold space, listen, ask for clarification, validate and empathize with you. This can also help slow down the conversation, make sure your listening and hearing what your partner is saying, increase thoughtful responses and communication, and minimize defensiveness.
Communicating your likes, dislikes, and guiding someone before, during and after sex can be sexy and useful in experiencing and shifting your sex to be more about your body and what feels good to you.