How To Cultivate Intimacy With Yourself

We are born naturally embracing intimacy with our caregivers. Babies instinctively reach out for touch, cry to indicate an unmet need, or connect with caregivers over their excitement in learning new things. Resisting or fearing intimacy is a learned behavior that comes from not having a safe environment to be vulnerable. By engaging in self intimacy, you can work to heal past attachment wounds by cultivating safety with yourself and being present for vulnerability in the ways you need and needed. This practice of connecting intimately with yourself works to slowly build trust between mind and body. Self intimacy comes from listening to your desires and prioritizing your needs. When you become the main character in your life, intimacy will follow suit. 

While it is often assumed that intimacy is referring to sex, there are many avenues to explore solo intimacy beyond masturbation. The root of the word intimacy comes from the Latin intimare which translates to inmost or make familiar. By breaking the word into pieces, you can explore even deeper meaning: in-to-me-you-see. Creating an intentional intimacy practice with yourself takes vulnerability and letting your walls down. While you can absolutely engage with solo intimacy on an as-needed basis, it also might be worth considering ritualizing these practices to stay consistent in connecting with yourself. 

8 ways you can work on building solo intimacy:

Eat your favorite meal and savor every bite. 

Finding intention in the small, routine parts of your day is an opportunity to enhance intimacy. Eating meals on autopilot is common because food is a necessity and often other aspects of life get prioritized. To create an intimate experience with yourself, set aside all distractions like TikTok or Netflix throughout your meal. Use this opportunity to eat something delicious and savor every bite. Pay attention to the sounds it makes while cooking, aroma, textures, and flavors. Allow yourself to release moans of pleasure after a perfect bite of food and describe to yourself how it feels in your body. 

Dance with yourself.

Movement is a powerful way to connect with your body. Set aside some time to create a playlist with music you love to dance to. Then set a date with yourself where you have an entire evening free to relish in dance! If you live with roommates or partners, pick a time when they aren’t home or politely ask them to allow you a certain space in the apartment for a night (i.e. the living room or your bedroom undisturbed with no knocking on the door). During this time, you may want to look at yourself in the mirror, wear something you feel sexy in, or even take a quick video. Anything that enhances your dancing experience that is just for you! You can partake in any kind of dancing, including dancing that feels sensual. If you’re unsure how to get started with this sort of practice, you can check out Ev’Yan Whitney on instagram who has several posts on their sensual dance meditation self care practice. 

Solo massage with body oil.

While receiving an in person massage may not be an option during COVID times, you can offer yourself that gift. Pick out a body oil that entises your senses and relaxes your muscles then lather yourself up. You can pick a particular body part like your calves or feet if you spend a lot of time standing and walking for work or maybe you want to focus on your hands if you have a job that requires typing on a computer. It can be helpful to close your eyes once you start the massage to feel the release in your muscles. Invite yourself to relax into your own touch. 

Spend time in nature without your phone.

This past year has demanded a lot more screen time for many of us. Whether that’s because your job went completely remote or it was the only way to stay connected with loved ones — a lot of people are screened out, meaning they get overwhelmed or even anxious by the scrolling, typing, and video chatting. Having breaks from your screen can help reduce this response. Dedicate some time where you for a walk around your neighborhood, at the local park, on the waterfront, or through the woods without your phone. If you feel it’s necessary to keep your phone on you for safety reasons, it can be helpful to put it on do not disturb or airplane mode to reduce notifications. Use this time in nature to connect with your breath and engage all five senses. What does it smell like? How do the flowers and plants feel against your skin? Does the air taste of anything? What do you see around you? Are there birds chirping or waves crashing? 

Take a long hot shower or bubble bath. 

Much like our meals, bathing can be an activity that happens on autopilot. Whether before or after work, many of us go through the motions of getting clean without much attention. Slowing down this process can create a sense of intimacy with yourself. If you prefer showers, try putting a few drops of an essential oil on the shower floor so the aroma floats up in the steamy water. Describe to yourself how the water feels against different parts of your body. For bath lovers, use some bubbles or epsom salt to enhance the experience. Set the mood around you with candles, music, or tasty treats in the tub. Use this time to love on your body. 

Put on something you feel sexy in and take selfies.

Feeling sexy is first and foremost for yourself — it’s a great way to boost confidence in your body. What you feel sexy in doesn’t have to be constrained by societal definitions of lingerie and lace. Maybe you feel really hot when wearing a certain robe or briefs. You get to decide what feels best on your body and commemorate the outfit with some selfies that can be just for your viewing pleasure! Oftentimes we connect with our sexiness around or for partners and forget we can nurture this with ourselves, too. 

Treat yourself to a date night. 

The same way you would treat a lover, you can treat yourself. Put it on the calendar and set a date with yourself. You can choose any combination of the other activities mentioned on this list to engage in during your solo date. Try to really spend time with yourself and pour love into your being. You deserve it. 

Masturbate! 

Last but certainly not least: self pleasure. However, instead of your usual routine with the trusty go-to vibrator, try to switch things up. Watch a new porn, listen to audio erotica, or read a steamy story to turn yourself on. Light some candles and turn on your sensual playlist before you dive into bed for pleasure. Mixing things up during masturbation can enhance the experience and create intentionality in your solo intimacy. 

There is no right or wrong way to engage in self intimacy. Listen to what your body is telling you it wants — loving on yourself is a beautiful way to build trust, connection, and deepen vulnerability. 

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