A Guide to Intentional Monogamy
Monogamy is the practice of having one romantic and sexual partner at a time. While the definition of monogamy might suggest there is only one way to practice this relationship style, there are many ways couples can personalize monogamy to make their relationship work best for them. Creating monogamous relationships with intention means talking about your desires, boundaries, and needs. Getting specific ensures that you aren’t making assumptions about what monogamy means for your partner.
With monogamy being the societal “norm” of relationship styles, it is often paired with assumptions of heteronormativity, following the relationship escalator, and what is defined as infidelity. There are many people who may prefer monogamy and not want to live with their partner or get married and raise children. Making assumptions of what monogamy means for your partners can cause conflict or miscommunication. Every person enters a relationship with their own needs, wants, boundaries, and expectations — what creates a nourishing relationship is when you’re able to listen, communicate, and find ways to meet the needs of your relationship. Here are some key questions to explore with your partner (or potential partner).
How do you define infidelity?
While popular culture representation of compulsory monogamy often depicts infidelity as simply finding another person attractive and making any advance on that attraction (such as flirting, complimenting, getting a phone number, kissing, or having sex) — there is no singular definition of infidelity. (Are you catching on to the pattern here that you get to personalize your relationships in a way that suits your needs, your partner’s needs, and the needs of the relationship?) The majority of monogamous couples will say something vague about their relationship and being loyal to one another. It’s important to explore the nitty-gritty of what loyalty and commitment mean to you. You might not realize your partner has a different understanding of fidelity than you do until you talk about it.
Some monogamous couples may have a boundary that they can casually compliment or flirt with other people but no physical connection with other people. Others may want to talk about the crushes they have on other people to dispel jealousy. And there will be monogamous people who don’t want to discuss other attractions. Creating space to openly talk about how you each define infidelity can help to ensure that you are not making assumptions of what is or is not within the boundaries of your relationship.
What do you want our relationship to look like right now?
You do not need to be confined to a relationship style that is not serving you — and communicating your needs is the first step to getting your needs met. If you want to live together but have separate bedrooms, tell your partner. If you love sexting and meeting up once a week for an extravagant date, let them know. If you don’t want to live together and have specific nights of the week that are for partner sleep overs, communicate that. The relationship that you crave is on the other side of communicating your wants and needs with your partner. This transparent dialogue about what you want your relationship to look like can help you avoid following traditional relationship narratives that do not work for you. Whether you just started dating recently or have been together for decades, there is always space to discuss your desires in your relationship–that is a part of growing alongside one another (also relationships wants, needs and desires can change over time! You and your partner evolve over time, so it makes sense your relationship would also evolve!).
What do you want in your relational future?
This is where you have the opportunity to get off the relationship escalator and create an intentional connection based on the needs of you, your partner, and your relationship. . These traditional norms around relationships create a narrative that you date for a while, move in together, get a pet, become engaged, get married, buy a house, and have children. However, many people, especially those in younger generations, are finding that lifestyle to be unsustainable and not serve their needs for a variety of reasons. Some saw their parents go through divorce and don’t want that for themselves. Others don’t want to have children. And many want to create a relationship in their own unique way.
While future plans always have room to change, it’s important to evaluate if there are similarities in what you see for your futures. If one person wants kids and the other absolutely does not, they may find it’s not the best fit. It’s possible that you always envisioned yourself moving across the country to be close with friends or family–that would be important information to share with a partner. Discussing where you see one another fitting into your future plans can help mitigate future misunderstandings or conflicts with one another and see if compromises are possible. Many couples get stuck in making assumptions based on the relationship escalator instead of communicating with clarity their wants and needs.
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