G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good about How To Respect and Affirm Folks Who Use Multiple Sets of Pronouns
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good about what it means when folks use multiple sets of pronouns and how to respect and affirm them!
“There’s a wide variety of reasons someone may use two or more sets of pronouns,” says Kahn, adding that for some, it’s a way to signal the expansiveness of their gender.
Pronouns may indicate someone's gender, but do not always, says Kahn. That means someone can be non-binary and use he/him pronouns or be non-binary and use she/her pronouns. With this in mind, pronouns can be less related to gender identity, and more so a way to acknowledge the expansiveness or complexity of gender. Basically, don't assume someone's pronouns indicate their entire gender identity.
Some people might use multiple pronouns because their pronouns vary based on where they are or who they’re with, says Kahn.
Kahn lists a few other additional reasons some folks use multiple sets of pronouns: “Some people use multiple pronouns because they prefer one set of pronouns, but are okay with a another set of pronouns; some use multiple pronouns because they’re indifferent to all pronouns; and some people use multiple pronouns to try out new pronouns,” he says.
And, adds Kahn, some individuals use the order to indicate that they would like the first set of pronouns to be used more than the second (or third) set, while for others, the order is irrelevant.
So, given how personal preferences surrounding multiple pronoun use is, how can you proceed in a way that's most respectful of the person in question? If you have a strong relationship with the person,“it’s best to ask if the person likes certain pronouns used in certain scenarios, contexts, or with different people, and if there’s anything they want you to know about how to use their pronouns in a way that is most affirming to them,” says Kahn.
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
There are a variety of reasons one may use different pronouns and two or more sets of pronouns. Some people use different pronouns in different contexts and with different people (i.e-for comfort, safety, to affirm different parts of oneself, etc). Some people prefer one set of pronouns, but are also okay with a secondary set of pronouns. Some people are okay with all pronouns. Some people are indifferent about what pronouns you use for them. Some people aren’t sure which pronoun they want.
If you’re unsure about someone using multiple pronouns and need some clarification, you can try asking about any guidelines to follow regarding when to use different pronouns.
Ultimately, the idea that someone can't use, for example, they/them and he/him, is just upholding the same binary system and projecting cisnormative meanings and labels onto pronouns. It falls under the idea and runs parallel to the idea that gender is more expansive than the man/woman binary and in that fullness and expansiveness is possible to have multiple pronouns that feel right for a person. Pronouns are a personal decision and it’s okay to use multiple pronouns.
If someone uses multiple pronouns it may mean they want you to use multiple pronouns and if you default to one, especially the one that is more commonly known to be within the dominant binary norm, you may be communicating how you see them and the type of effort you’re willing to put in to use someone’s correct pronouns.
Here are some of my favorite G&STC instagram posts on pronouns: