G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good About What to Say When Your Child Comes Out to You.
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good about what to say when your child comes out to you.
If your initial verbal and/or non-verbal reactions are ones of disgust, disappointment, or fear, it will read that you are rejecting them. “You need to listen, respond, show your love and support and do your best not to over-respond or under-respond,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.
If you’re unsure of what to say, keep it simple:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I love you.”
“I’m so glad you told me.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
You want to stay away from phrases like “I’ve always known” or “I’m not surprised." Why? For starters, they’re often built on limiting stereotypes about what being LGBTQ+ looks like, says Kahn. “Comments like [those] also diminish the process and potential struggle the child who just came out had to go through to get to a point where they were able and ready to tell you,” they say.
Kahn suggests not relying on your child to be your only LGBTQ+ information center. “I highly recommend checking out GLAAD’s Glossary of Terms,” they says. “Knowing how to use the language your child is using can be a huge source of information, and it communicates to your child that you are doing your best to support them.”
If you’d prefer peer-based support, another option is check out an LGBTQ+ parent support group like PFLAG, The LGBT Center Parent Support Group, and COLAGE. “All parents of queer and trans kids can benefit from a support network of other parents with queer and trans kids,” says Kahn.
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
It’s important that your kids know that you love, support and see them as who they are and wish to be seen.
I usually recommend that parents focus on listening and affirming. You’re, of course, allowed to have your response, but do your best to not be reactionary, to be supportive, hold space and save your response for later when you’re not talking with your kid.
It’s never okay to out anyone and is always useful to know who they’ve told, if they’re okay with you sharing this information with your friends and friends, and if they want your support coming out to anyone else in your family. Also, it is helpful to know if they are using a different name or pronouns, and if they are okay with you using that name and pronouns publicly and with your friends.