G&STC Blog Roundup: 10 Blogs About Kink
Kink is way more common than we think. In fact, one survey found that 75% of people have at least one kink. However, because we live in a shame-based culture with a terrible track record for sex education, many of us keep that to ourselves. Too often, our education about sex centers around reproduction, negative consequences and shame. There’s fearful talk of pregnancy and STIs, but there isn’t much information about consent or pleasure. We often grow up with an idea of what sex is in our heads, only to find out that our actual experiences don’t line up with what we were taught. Sometimes this can be a great source of shame or distress, because we assume there’s something wrong with us for liking what we like.
If we want an education on kinky topics, many of us have to go looking for it ourselves. Which is where we come in! Kink doesn’t have to be scary or intimidating - ideally, it is there to provide you a safe space to explore your desires and sexuality; it’s not all whips and chains (unless you want it to be).
We’ve written a lot over the years about sex, sexuality, gender, mental health, and yes, kink. Here are ten of our favorite blogs that we’ve written about kink - there’s something here for everyone whether you’re not kinky at all, just beginning to explore, or already kinky.
What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent
“In the kink community, consent is paramount. Consent is never implied - it is generally understood in the kink community that consent is an important discussion between partners and that it is ongoing. Saying “yes” to one activity does not imply a “yes” for all other sexual activity. It is crucial to negotiate consent before a scene and go over each participant’s limits and to check in during the scene as well.”
What We Can Learn from Kinky People
“Talking with your partner(s) about what they want in your sex life can be totally sexy, and not exclusive to kinky people. You’re making sure that their needs are met, that their pleasure is the best it can be, and you’re letting them know that you won’t try anything without making sure they’re cool with it first. Enjoy the communication! Take your time. Visualize it. Let the talk turn you on. When it’s go-time, not only will you be excited, but having gained consent, you will be free from worries that you’ll mess up.”
How Aftercare Can Improve Your Sex Life Today
“It’s important to keep in mind that aftercare isn’t exclusive to kinky encounters, and you can practice aftercare for a wide variety of sexual experiences. You can use aftercare after phone sex, hypnokink, BDSM scenes, or even after more vanilla type sex. Aftercare is not a practice specifically for more submissive partners or bottoms. Tops, doms, switches, and pretty much anyone who engages in sex can benefit from developing an aftercare practice. Even if kink isn’t your thing, aftercare is could be a wonderful practice to bring into your relationship and sex life.”
Lessons in Kink: How Non-Vanilla Sex Can Improve Your Long Term Relationship
“Sexual desire isn’t always a static thing, and our tastes and desires can change over time. This is especially true when we open up to new ideas of what sex can be. In kinky spaces, curiosity about your sexuality is encouraged, and there is no shame in exploring what does and doesn’t work for you. If you are in a long term sexual relationship of any kind, when was the last time you explored your sexual desires? When was the last time you checked in with yourself about your sexuality and how it may have changed? You can do this alone or with your partner(s), and talk about what works and doesn’t work for everyone involved.”
How To Embrace Your Fetish Without Shame
“We aren’t born feeling shame around our bodies and desires — we are socialized this way from a young age. Sometimes, it’s so skillfully embedded into our brains through media, education, and various systems of oppression that we don’t even realize where all this sexual shame came from. Especially when it comes to fetishes and kinks;embarrassment, stigma, and even disgust have become so normalized that many people feel they’re sexually broken for having these desires.”
“Developing a community of friends who accept and understand you is part of self-care, as is working with a sex-positive therapist to work through kink shame. Other forms of self-care and stress management are meditation, exercise, sleeping enough, and healthy eating. Not practicing self-care can reduce your patience or ability to manage internal and external stressors such as sexuality-based shame. It’s hard to feel good about anything, let alone your sexuality, if the rest of you isn’t well-cared for!”
How To Tell Your Partner About Your Kink
“So, how do you even start to engage with your kink? First, ask yourself: are you comfortable with what turns you on? If you’re nervous that your partner is going to judge you for wanting to try a role-playing scenario, such as a doctor/patient scene, or a form of bondage, check in with yourself first. If you’re comfortable with the fact that you want to be called dirty names in the bedroom, it’s more likely that you’ll express that desire in a calm and relaxed tone. On the other hand, if you’re still struggling internally, it might be helpful to process your feelings with a kink competent and affirming therapist before sharing your kink with a partner. If you have internalized sexual shame acting as an obstacle to having fun and feeling good with your kinks, it may be helpful and important to work through emotions and the beliefs you’ve internalized. If your sexual needs involve exploring something with another consenting adult, take a deep breath knowing (or possibly reminding yourself) that there’s nothing wrong with you.”
Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know
“There are two popular acronyms used by kinksters: SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). RACK was developed as a response to SSC, because some folks find SSC to be limiting (or they find it’s an easier framework to describe kink to non-kinksters, but not comprehensive enough to use within kink communities). RACK is an understanding that no sexual activity is ever 100% safe, but being aware of the risks and making an informed decision that focuses on consent is vital.”
Healing From Sexual Trauma Through Kink
“Kink is quite literally a form of play: age play, fetish play, fantasy, role play, power play, etc. Not only are we healing in the moment, but portals are opened to heal past selves and repair places where traumatic energy may remain stuck in the body. When you discover where traumatic energy is stored in your body, you can focus on kinky efforts there. For example, if you struggle to communicate boundaries because of past trauma — having a dominant explore breath play with you could be an area of focus or releasing a scream during an intense impact play scene could discharge trauma by completing the stress response cycle. There is creativity in this form of kinky play. Through positive and intentional dynamics between dominant/top and submissive/bottom — healing is accessible.”
How Kink Can Help Ease Sexual Anxiety
“When we engage with kink, we give ourselves a new understanding of what consent really is. While some people see it as an awkward conversation that can take you out of the moment, kinksters know that it is actually a vital and sexy part of the process. When you stop and start in kink play you’re not taking yourself out of the moment, you’re checking back in with yourself, your body, your partner(s) and making sure that you’re experiencing pleasure out of whatever you’re doing. Kink helps make conversations about consent open and easy gateways to talk about how each partner best experiences pleasure.”
It can be hard to find reliable sources on sex education, especially on less mainstream topics like kink. The less we talk about taboo topics like sex and kink, the more room there is for shame, so it’s important to keep talking about these things. Learning more about what you like can help you get to know yourself on a deeper level and lessen feelings of shame. Whether you’re looking to try out kink for the first time or already kinky, there’s always more to learn about the human sexual experience.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.