How to Plan for Conflict in Relationships
“Healthy conflict is love tapping fear on the shoulder, saying, ‘It’s ok, I got this.’” — Priya Parker
Conflict can be a form of intimacy if you have the tools to move through these hard moments with intention.
However, many people avoid conflict because it can bring up intense emotions like fear of abandonment, fear of failure, anger, panic, depression, or isolation. It’s also true that conflict can resurface painful memories of how conflict was handled by adults during childhood — whether that was an escalation of conflict, complete avoidance of hard emotions, or violence during conflict.
These instances from childhood often inform how we deal with conflict as adults. You may find that if you grew up in a household that avoided conflict at all costs, you want to dive right into conflict and amplify your response during these moments. However, if you saw escalations of angry conflict as a child, you might avoid it at all costs as a learned survival strategy.
Whatever your current approach to conflict is, it’s likely that it could benefit from some additional skills to lean on during these hard moments. Here are three practices you can use to improve your approach to conflict:
Finding clarity:
It can be helpful to engage in some self-reflection before diving head first into a conflict with someone. This allows everyone involved time to ground themselves in what they hope to bring to the conflict and what their needs are. Relying on self-care tools already at your disposal can be helpful. If you feel supported when spending time in nature, drinking tea, taking a bath, or going for a drive these things can help sooth your nervous system before a difficult conversation about said conflict.
Questions to think about during this self-reflection:
How can I ensure I respond from a place of alignment with my relational values?
Do I have any unmet needs at the root of this conflict?
What are my goals for the outcome of this conflict?
Are there any specific boundaries I need to communicate in advance?
Learning the conflict archetypes:
There are four archetypes in conflict: the victim, warrior, leader/healer, and creator. There is no archetype that handles conflict “better” or “worse” than the other and it’s likely that we all act from different archetypes depending on the situation. Learning about this will help build awareness for how you show up in conflict and hopefully allow you to find a balance from multiple archetypes. The goal is to not overly identify with one single archetype and instead have skills to lean on from all four.
The Victim:
Typically sees themselves as not having any power in a conflict and often fears those in a position of power. The pitfalls of this archetype are falling into despair, loss of imagination to resolve a conflict, isolation, or helplessness. However, they have gifts in bringing compassion, humility, and acceptance to a conflict. Victim archetypes can remember to rely on others for support during conflict to really home in on their gifts.
The Warrior:
Often acts from a place of feeling like others have all the power and they need to “get it” to even the playing field. This can cause them to act from a place of mistrust, suspicion, or scarcity. Warriors have pitfalls in their hypervigilant response to conflict which often makes them on edge and turn everything into a fight. However, they have gifts in conflict by bringing confidence, agency, and action to a situation. Folks who embody the warrior archetype might find it helpful to remember that it is you and the person(s) you’re in conflict with versus the conflict, not you versus the other person(s).
The Leader/Healer:
Views power as a tool for wholeness and leadership in a situation while also understanding the abundance of resources for everyone involved. However, this archetype gets into trouble when they view their conflict approach as “better than” warrior or victim archetypes. This can cause them to avoid conflict or not acknowledge when things are going wrong. Leaders/healers bring gifts of creativity in finding resolution, abundance, vision, and a sense of choice to conflict. They can benefit from asking others for feedback and receive that with humility.
The Creator:
Understand power as flowing through all of us — in that we emanate power through being present with one another during conflict. Creators embody a flowing energy in conflict by moving through the other three archetypes. They bring equanimity, generosity, effortlessness, and creativity to conflict. For creators it can be helpful to turn toward the unexamined parts of yourself to support a positive conflict outcome.
(Source: Turning Towards Each Other: A Conflict Workbook).
Creating a conflict plan:
When you’re in the heat of the moment, it might feel impossible to pause and reflect on what your needs are during a conflict. That’s why it’s important to have these conversations when there are no or low conflicts in your relationship. You might find it helpful to discuss which archetypes you most resonate with and how to pull tools from different archetypes.
Everyone has different needs during conflict — discuss exactly what those are so that you can have compassion for how one another deals with conflict. For example, do you prefer talking it out while the other person thrives with writing down their thoughts? In that case, you might have one person write a letter and then read it out loud to the other. From there, you could engage in a conversation about the letter and conflict being dealt with.
Another tool many people utilize during conflict is a safe word which can be used if things are getting heated and you need to take a break from discussing the conflict. During this break you might remind one another how much you care about your relationship or it could be that you need individual time and space. Figuring out these logistical needs before being in a conflict can support positive outcomes where you feel more connected after a conflict, not less.
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