Is Fetish Shame Keeping You From Therapy?
IT’S NORMAL TO FEEL NERVOUS ABOUT STARTING THERAPY.
Especially if it’s your first time, and especially if you feel like you’re harboring a secret kink. Vanilla couples who need someone to help them through everyday stress feel worried about therapy! It’s a very vulnerable space, no matter what’s discussed in session. And it can feel even more intensely vulnerable when working with a therapist on something that can feel taboo or shameful to talk about. Given how sex-negative our culture can be, kinks and fetishes often fall under that category of “things to keep to ourselves.”
If you’re considering working with a sex therapist to help you work through shame about your fetish and live life as your authentic self, be gentle with yourself as you work through those reservations.
FETISH OR KINK: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?
A fetish is different than a kink. “Kinks” cover an array of any sexual interests outside of the vanilla “norm” such as dominance and submission, role-playing, and bondage. A fetish, on the other hand, refers to an erotic attraction to a “non-sexual” body part, object, or activity. These can include (but are certainly not limited to) foot fetishes, age play, and water sports. While we understand these are nothing more but good, consensual fun between adults, fetishes are routinely pathologized and laughed at by the mainstream media.
In reality, fetishes are extremely common, healthy, and a great way to have fun in bed. Keep reading to learn the truth about fetishes, how to embrace yours, and why therapy can help!
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
Heteronormative vanilla society can be a big bully. The best news stories about golden showers are always mocking horrible politicians. And once upon a time, not too long ago, a psychiatrist would slap a label on you out of the DSM simply for having unique sexual interests.
Except here’s the thing — your fetish is probably not that unique. Whether it’s stockings, vomit, or the two combined, a quick internet search will reveal that you are not the first person to be turned on by this. Taking the time to find and connect with a community can be a great way to provide a compassionate source of support and understanding in your life. If you live in a major city, there’s a good chance that you have a local kink or fetish club. Consider having drinks there one night to meet other sex-positive, kinky, open-minded people. You might even end up meeting a new friend or play partner!
If you don’t live in a big city, you still have options. Websites such as FetLife offer online communities. Even joining a group and realizing that over 1,000 people also have a superhero fetish (look it up) can help you feel more confident in your skin. In addition to mainstream choices such as Tinder and Bumble, dating apps such as Feeld are catered specifically to folks outside the vanilla “norm.”
It’s helpful to spend time with kinky people online or in real life, but it’s also important to look around at your current surroundings. Are you surrounded by people with who you can’t be your authentic self? You don’t need to come out to everyone, like your family or your coworkers–when and if, you come out to anyone [other than or including your partner(s)] is completely up to you - this doesn’t have to be the or a goal. But what might it be like if your lovers and friends not only supported your kink but even shared your experience? If that’s important to you, you can meet more kinksters by becoming involved in the kink and fetish community! Your therapist can help you figure out what steps are right for you and provide support as you branch outside of your usual social circle.
FIND THE RIGHT THERAPIST.
You may be thinking, “enjoy my fetish? I can’t even tell my partner or friends about my fetish!” You’re not the first person to think that, but that’s what a therapist is for. One of the great things about therapists is that, whatever it is you’re feeling embarassed to tell them? They’ve almost definitely heard it before.
They are there to support you at your pace. Your therapist will be there to offer support and insight as you work through that fear and shame. They’ll help you take those steps to accepting and enjoying and sharing your fetish, without pushing you into anything you’re not ready for.
Beyond that, with options like telehealth you’re no longer restricted just to the providers in your immediate area. This is a huge benefit to anyone looking for sex-positive or kink-friendly therapists! Now you can live in the a rural part of New York and see the best sex therapists in New York City, who are familiar with the leather scene. And, what’s more, you can do it from the comfort and privacy of your own home.
This option for telehealth is also a huge benefit when searching for a therapist who’s a “good” fit for you. While before your options were limited to whatever providers you could drive to, telehealth has widened the scope enormously. So when you have the options of any therapist offering telehealth in your state, how do you decide who a “good” therapist is for you?
If you’re going to therapy for concerns regarding a fetish, a good fit would be someone who specializes in sex therapy, who’s website indicates that they are kink and fetish affirming. We have a short guide to choosing a therapist here.
IT’S EASY TO GET STUCK IN OUR HEADS, FILLED WITH ANXIETY AND SHAME ABOUT OUR SEXUALITY.
But the right therapist will offer you a knowledgeable and informed view. If your fetish is taboo, such as age play, you may be unsure about how to broach the subject with partners. A therapist can help you identify your motivation, choice, and needs, and communicate them to others. A therapist will support you in communicating your fetish to your partner, understanding why you haven’t wanted to share and perhaps still don’t want to share, and will work with you to reduce shame opening up more opportunities for intentionality and choice. And, if you’re in an existing relationship, a therapist can work with both of you to ensure that your needs are met, whatever that means for you.
A healthy kinky sex life isn’t always easy. It involves communication, consent, and, most terrifying of all, vulnerability. There may be times when someone doesn’t share your kink. That’s okay! When you become secure in yourself and your sexuality, fear of rejection can become less of a concern.
Starting therapy means a fresh start. It states that you are ready to stop feeling bad about who you are and start enjoying it.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.