G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel about What Demisexuality is + 3 Signs You Might Be Demisexual
CHECK OUT G&STC’S DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN TALK WITH GABRIELLE KASSEL AT SHAPE ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE DEMISEXUAL.
Let's start with the definition of demisexuality: Demisexuality is an orientation named by a persons' capacity to experience sexual attraction only after they've established a connection with someone, explains Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. (Fun fact: The prefix demi- means "half.") For many demisexuals, that connection must be emotional, but for others the connection could be established mental, intellectual, or spiritual intimacy, says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, Ph.D., professor of sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. (See: What Is Intimacy, and How Can You Build It with a Partner?)
In this dating age, it's common for someone to choose to save certain sexual acts for people with whom they have an emotional bond. But simply choosing to wait to act on sexual attraction is different from having a sexual orientation defined by the inability to have sexual attraction until after an emotional bond as been established, she says.
Usually, demisexual is a label used in conjunction with other identity labels. For instance someone who is a demisexual lesbian can may only experience attraction to other womxn and non-binary people after forming a bond with them. "Someone who is demisexual can be of any gender and sexuality," notes Kahn. (Related: LGBTQ+ Glossary of Gender and Sexuality Definitions Allies Should Know)
As is true with any label, the exact demisexual definition will vary based on who is doing the defining. Likewise, "each demisexual's experience with attraction can be different," they say. So ultimately, to know exactly what someone means when they share that they're demisexual, you'd have to ask.
As a sexual orientation, "asexuality is where someone feels little to no sexual attraction and/or interest in sex," explains Kahn. But asexuality can also function as an umbrella term — much like the word "queer" does.
As Kahn explains, it's common for many people who are demisexual to recognize beauty, without that recognition revving them up.
"A great way to figure out if you're demisexual is to think about the context and circumstances in which you have experienced desire and attraction in the past," says Kahn. Whether you noggin alone or with a notebook and pen (hello, sex journal), spend some time mulling over the following questions:
What did I think about my current partner or crush the first time you saw them?
When did you first experience attraction of the ~sexual variety~ to your current partner(s) or crush(es)?
Do I ever experience a hunger for strangers?
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
Demisexual means only experiencing sexually attraction when you also are expreiencing an emotional bond or connection with a person. Someone who is demisexual can be of any gender and sexuality. Despite this definition, each person’s experience can still be different.
Asexuality is when someone feels little to no sexual attraction or interest in sex. Similarly to demisexuals, folks who are asexual (ace) also have differing experience in what it means to be ace. Demisexuality and asexuality are viewed by some as being closely aligned while still being different. Demisexuaityl doesn’t refer to the “amount” of attraction or desire one experiences, only the circumstances under which they experience (i.e-emotional connection).
Demisexuals have a variety of feelings about sex and other sexual activities.
Because each demisexual person is different, some consider themselves to be on the asexual spectrum.
Ultimately it’s important to remember that we all, regardless of our orientations, have different, unique, and sometimes particular circumstances under which we experience attraction and desire. Demisexuals just have a specific word to describe the circumstances for them!
A great way to figure out if you're demisexual is to think about the context and circumstances in which you experience desire and attraction. Do you not feel attracted to someone until you have an emotional bond?
When it comes to words and labels, it’s important to remember that all of it is up to you. For many people, having a label is liberating, illuminating, and community building. And for many others, a label is limiting, trapping, and restrictive. Regardless of if the general definition feels like a fit, it’s still your choice if you want to use any word or label.