National Coming Out Day
"All of us who are openly gay are living and writing the history of our movement. We are no more — and no less — heroic than the suffragists and abolitionists of the 19th century; and the labor organizers, Freedom Riders, Stonewall demonstrators, and environmentalists of the 20th century. We are ordinary people, living our lives, and trying as civil-rights activist Dorothy Cotton said, to 'fix what ain't right' in our society." —U.S. Senator Tammy Baldwin
The history behind National Coming Out Day
There is a rich history around coming out for queer and trans people. Prior to 1950, the term was used as a celebration of someone coming out into queer subculture. Similar to a débutante's coming-out party — LGBTQ people used this term to honor their entrance and acceptance into the community. However, a linguistic shift came around the time of Stonewall, and coming out evolved into its current understanding: exiting the oppressive closet of cis-heteronormativity.
National Coming Out Day (NCOD) was coined in 1988 by queer activists Robert Eichberg, his partner William Gamble, and Jean O’Leary. They chose October 11 to honor the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. “Most people think they don't know anyone gay or lesbian, and in fact, everybody does,” Eichber said in 1993. This annual celebration began as a positive effort to urge LGBTQ people to come out and allow everyone else to see queer existence to break down stereotypes and fears about LGBTQ people.
What does it mean to be out?
As acceptance and tolerance for queer and trans people has grown, the experience of coming out has morphed into something that many of us feel obligated or want to do, in order to have a “valid” queer experience. Because straightness and cis-ness are still assumed until we announce to friends and family, it can feel like there is a sense of urgency around coming out. Which prompts questions such as: does coming out give us more freedom to thrive? Or is it something we feel pressured to do by living in a cis-heteronormative culture? Can both of these things be true at once?
While LGBTQ people don’t have to hide in the shadows as much anymore, there’s often still the need to hide half your cards out of safety and fear of non-acceptance. And while campaigns like It Gets Better have an impact, the reality is that many LGBTQ youths in America are still dealing with isolation, bullying, familial abuse and rejection, and struggling with acceptance from others as well as themselves. Empowerment can be found in claiming your identity and being out will look different for everyone, and every person will face their own unique struggles even after they have come out. While femme lesbians may express frustration at having to continually come out because of their invisibility, many trans or genderqueer people struggle with how being out impacts their safety in unwelcoming environments.. One person’s experience with coming or being out will look vastly different from other LGBTQ people. All of these are valid and have intersecting opportunities for solidarity.
Do you have to come out as LGBTQ?
Absolutely not. Everyone has their own journey figuring out their sexuality and gender identity or expression. There is no destination for your identity — it is allowed to be fluid and change throughout your life. It’s valid and real whether you want to scream it from the rooftop, quietly tell a few select friends, or keep it to yourself. If you don’t explicitly come out, that doesn’t mean you are “in the closet” — this false binary thinking of being in the closet or completely out serves no one.
Coming out isn’t always a big announcement; sometimes it’s showing up to work expressing your gender in a way that feels affirming, instead of dressing in traditional binary clothing that is expected of you. Or it could be casually saying “my girlfriend” in conversation with a new friend. We come out in so many different ways and often these processes are not for or about ourselves — but our straight counterparts. Labels are amazing and can carry great importance for marginalized folks, but they can also feel like a heavy burden when they continually “other” you.
Celebrating National Coming Out Day.
Many queer and trans people celebrate NCOD by posting on social media about their experiences of being out. However, that does not apply to everyone and can be inaccessible to those who may not be out to their family or coworkers. You might host a celebratory Zoom call with LGBTQ friends and community, attend a digital NCOD event, or get involved in local actions supporting queer and trans rights. Connecting to the community is a great way to combat isolation and loneliness, which are especially amplified due to COVID-19 public health restrictions. Your NCOD celebration could even be ordering food from an LGBTQ owned restaurant to show support.
Supporting the LGBTQ community beyond coming out.
Moving beyond the need to come out as LGBTQ should not be entirely up to queer and trans people. We need non-LGBTQ people to work harder at decentering hetero and cisnormativity. Undoing the need to come out will take not assuming that everyone is straight and cisgender until they tell you otherwise. It’s going to take not gendering people based on their outward expression, offering your pronouns, and checking in with pronouns for everyone you meet. It’s going to take using gender-neutral words like “partner” or “significant other” in conversations, rather than simply assuming the someone new you meet has a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife.
Celebrating LGBTQ lives — particularly trans women of color — while they are still alive is a vital aspect of this work. Being an ally and accomplice goes beyond supporting LGBTQ rights for equality, it takes action, advocacy, and showing up for hard conversations with fellow cis and straight people. On National Coming Out Day, you could do this by publicly naming your support for LGBTQ communities on social media and uplifting Black trans-led organizations like House of Tulip, GLITS, or Plume. You could also look up a local LGBTQ community center to see if they have any current legislation they’re advocating for or against and make calls to your state representatives. Being an ally to the LGBTQ community means taking action to support queer and trans lives.
Journal prompts to consider on National Coming Out Day.
What are the ways in which you’ve come out? And did that feel?
Does coming out feel liberating to you? Confining to you? Neutral?
What media representations have you seen about coming out? How has that impacted your own understanding of coming out as LGBTQ+?
What would a world look like if the necessity or pressure to come out didn’t exist?
How can we create space within LGBTQ+ communities for those whose experiences don't include "coming out"? How can we make our community inclusive for those who don't want to "come out"? And, ultimately, how can we broaden our definition of what coming out even means?