Communication Skills To Enhance Intimacy

Without intention, intimacy can become stagnant and a relationship can feel more like a habit than an active decision to be in partnership with others. This applies to all of our relationships, but can be felt intensely within romantic and sexual dynamics. Intimacy takes takes energy, time, and commitment to nurture. One of our most powerful tools of connection is active communication. You have the ability to transform your relationships exactly as you desire them and continue to enhance the intimacy you cultivate with your partner(s).

How do you create romantic safety? What allows your intimacy to flourish? What has held you back from being vulnerable in the past? How do you love to give love? How do you love to receive love? These are some questions that might begin to prompt this process of intentional intimacy for you — whether you are partnered or single. Many of us have disparate space between what we want our relationships to look like and the current reality. These communication skills open pathways to enhance the intimacy you currently share with your partner(s) — and create a strong foundation on which to grow in relationship.

Curiosity over control.

Building an intimate relationship takes vulnerability,and when moving through challenging conversations it can be easy to slip into the desire to control the outcome. Our brains will often go to an all-or-nothing response when our love feels like it’s in emergency — we seek certitude instead of working through the murky complexity of a situation. Difficult conversations with your partner(s) don’t always have to feel like a negative or bad moment because here’s the thing: they are bound to happen.

We are going to hurt one another and experience hurt from those who love us. Old wounds or traumas may clash, causing us to hit a trigger spot without meaning to. How you move through those moments matters deeply. That is where you have the ability to reduce harm.

Embrace curiosity instead of control in these situations. When your brain wants to assume the worst, ask your partner(s) more questions, give them an opportunity to clarify, create space for your partner to evolve as a human being. Moments of growth and deepening understanding like this have the possibility to enhance your intimate connection because you will learn more about one another in the process.

Regular check-ins.

Making time to talk about your relationship when there isn’t a pressing concern like renegotiating boundaries around other dates or talking about finances gives you the opportunity to celebrate your connection. This tactic creates a sense of romantic safety because you are carving out time to discuss boundaries, desires, needs, and disagreements before they are left festering and bubble over into an explosive argument.

When life gets busy it can be a challenge to find time for intimacy — these consistent check-ins are a reminder of why you are in relationship with one another. It allows to to continually grow alongside one another. For example, one partnership that I’ve worked with in the past decided to do a rose, bud, thorn exercise about their relationship every month. They would discuss their individual roses (the thing they were most proud of), their bud (where they saw potential for growth and what they want to nurture), and their thorn (something they wish had gone differently). Every relationship will find their own unique way to have these check-ins.

Give options for different forms of communication.

Everyone has their own quirks and needs when it comes to communication styles. While some people might love verbal connection, others may feel confident with written word. When there is an intense conversation that needs to happen, some people might want to know in advance to organize their thoughts while others might prefer spontaneous discussion when an issue arises. Letting each other know how you prefer to communicate allows for a sense of compassion and accommodation for these specific needs.

This may take negotiation to find the best way to meet all of your communicative needs. For example, A partnership I’ve worked with discovered that during an argument one person needs space to process and likes to go for a long walk while the other feels an urgency to delve into the issue right away. The person who wanted to discuss right away was frustrated when their partner would “shut down” or walk out of a room. We were able to create an agreement where the person who needs to talk right away would write down their thoughts and feelings in a letter for their partner. Once their partner has a chance to cool time and process where they stand, they get together and discuss the contents of the letter to move forward together. It allows each person to have their needs taken care of with a little compromise.

Bring sexual consent skills outside of the bedroom.

Consent doesn’t just apply to sexual interactions — weaving these communication skills into your everyday moments allows you to validate, provide agency, determine willingness, and share your feelings without attaching blame. An example of this could be rephrasing the question  “You’re picking up groceries after work today, right?” to “Would you be willing to stop for some groceries on your way home tonight?” These seemingly minute interactions which happen everyday seem benign but we have the ability to actively communicate instead of passively — which strengthens relational bonds.

In a culture that prioritizes individualism, it can be difficult to remember the ways in which we can grow together. Nurturing and tending to your intimate connections will not only ensure those you love feel supported, but positively impact your growth as well. You deserve relationships that create space for joy, playfulness, connection, safety, and vulnerability.