What to Consider When Coming Out At Work
Coming out is complicated.
It has the possibility to feel empowering, help you feel confidence in loudly and boldly claiming a part of your identity. But it just isn’t as simple as telling someone who you are and waiting for them to celebrate your bravery and vulnerability with you. The very fact that coming out takes bravery and vulnerability shows us that there is real risk that can also come with coming out.
We’ve also talked before about how coming out is not just one moment, it’s many. Over and over again, and while we may get more practiced in it, it doesn’t necessarily become easier to manage the fear, anxiety, or dread that can come from not knowing how someone will react. And what we consider may vary slightly from coming out to coming out. How you come out to your friends might be different than how you come out to your family, and how you come out to your family may have different considerations than how to come out at work.
When it comes to coming out at work, you might not be as concerned with maintaining personal relationships as much as you are when coming out to friends or family. But new concerns open up about your daily treatment, your financial security, etc.
If you’re trying to come out at work, here are 4 things to consider:
Is it a supportive workplace environment?
Is your workplace queer friendly? Some questions you can ask to start to assess the level of queer competence and support in your workplace can include:
Is gender neutral language used in communication?
Are there gender neutral bathrooms?
Are there any other out queer folks at your work?
Is hate speech or other types of harassment mentioned in your workplace policies and procedures?
It’s a good idea to review your workplace’s formal discrimination policies as well–making sure you are protected after you’ve come out is an important factor on whether it’s a safe place to come out. If you feel comfortable talking with HR, they may be able to guide you through the policies and protections confidentially.
What’s your emotional capacity?
Do you have the emotional bandwidth to navigate questions or negative reactions? Or, sometimes even positive reactions come with lots of questions and emotional labor–is that something you’re willing to do in the workplace? There is no wrong answer, sometimes the payoff of that emotional labor is having stronger, more authentic connections with people who desire to know you better. If that is something you value at work, it may well be worth the emotional labor!
It’s also important to consider if you want to be out to everyone at work, or just a few close colleagues. If you don’t want to be out to everyone, are you comfortable asking those who you do come out to to keep it between the two of you? Or, have you considered how you want them to act in front of others if you’re misgendered/mis-identified in front of them? It can be a good idea to pick one or two trusted colleagues to come out to first, and ask them for support as you navigate coming out elsewhere at work.
What’s most important to communicate?
Why are you coming out in the workplace? Is it a form of self empowerment where you’re taking pride in claiming your identity? Or, have there been microaggressions you’d like to address, such as misgendering? By considering what is important to you when you come out at work, you can better decide what it is you want to communicate when you do. For instance, if you’re coming out as nonbinary at work, it may be because you no longer want to be referred to by the wrong gender or with the wrong pronouns. If it’s a form of self affirmation, you can let people know what is most important to you when it comes to outside affirmation. You get to decide how detailed and open you want to be!
Do you have an outside support system?
Do you have a friend or loved one who can support you through this process? Having someone on your side as you prepare to come out at work can help you determine what the risks are, what the benefits are, what is most important to communicate–and be someone who you can rely on for care if things don’t go how you hope they will.
Remember coming out anywhere is a personal decision, and should only be made by you when you feel comfortable and safe to do so. And, while it can be scary, coming out to those you’re in relationships with can help you access more meaningful, and authentic relationships, and a stronger sense of self.
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