What Is the One Penis Policy?
If you're familiar with ethical non-monogamy, you may have already come across the "one penis policy," (often abbreviated as "OPP.") Even if you're new to the scene and haven’t heard the term before–if you've ever rolled your eyes at a unicorn-hunting couple on Tinder, you've probably seen OPP in practice. Within poly circles, the one penis policy is traditionally frowned upon. In this post, we'll cover why so many people find it controversial and problematic, in addition to challenging that concept, as people should be allowed to customize their open relationship to whatever their needs are.
What is the one penis policy?
The one penis policy is precisely what it sounds like–it means within a relationship there can be one penis. One of the reasons OPP is viewed negatively within polyamorous communities, particularly queer ones, is because of the dynamic the OPP typically implies within heteronormative relationships. Because it only allows for one penis, the couples often using the term consist of a cis man and a cis woman. Usually, based on the man's desires, they can have sex with other women, either together (the unicorn-hunters) or separately with others. If it's the latter, the female partner is only allowed to sleep with other women and not men. Hence, there is only one penis in her life: her primary partner.
Why do some folks consider this problematic?
First off, let's remember that there are many forms of open relationships, but polyamory, which refers to not only sleeping with but dating other people, asks that partners are treated equally. If the male half of a poly couple wants to be "poly" but insists that his bisexual girlfriend only sleeps with other women, not men, that's not really ethical non-monogamy but more of a toxic non-monogamy, often rooted in insecurities surrounding masculinity and biphobia.
While everyone should be able to negotiate boundaries they are comfortable with when opening up their relationship, it is important to recognize the ways in which biphobia and sexism can inform the OPP. If a cis male partner is okay with their cis female partner having sex with other cis women, but not cis men, it is automatically assuming male attraction is more of a threat to the relationship, and therefore more real than the woman’s attraction to other women and people of other genders. It is another way our culture has normalized not respecting the complexity of bisexuality by reducing it to a tool used to spice up the bedroom, often for the benefit of straight, cis men.
There are also of course issues of transphobia within the one penis policy. Genitals do not indicate gender, so how do trans men and women (& nonbinary, agender, & genderqueer folks) fit into the one penis policy? If the OPP is in place, then is it a rule to exclude trans people altogether? Is the penis or the gender more important to the one penis policy? All someone without a penis has to do is put on a strap-on, further proving that the gendered understanding of OPP doesn't tell the whole story. This is why navigating OPP outside of cis heteronormative society can be so murky and frowned upon in general.
It’s also worth noting there may be outside pressure cis men feel, regarding their masculinity or their sexuality that can put contraints on their sexual expression or exploration. Unfortunately, within our society, women seem to have a much easier time coming out as bisexual than men. As a result, fewer straight-leaning men, even if they are bicurious, are likely to explore sex with their same gender than women.
Is the one penis policy ever okay?
Just like dynamics and boundaries in any relationship, what matters with the OPP is how a couple navigates it. If a couple, consensually, after honest and transparent communication, decides that for them sticking with FFMs is best, that is their decision. The one penis policy may be sexist in some instances, but it can also be sexist to assume that the female partner can't be honest about their desires–if they desire for whatever reason, to only explore same gender attraction outside of their primary relationship, they know themselves best!
Whether you find the concept of OPP offensive, a threat to your definition of ethical non-monogamy or an appealing way to start exploring ethical non-monogamy, all that matters is that you follow the same standard ENM rules: Be honest, open, and communicative with all parties involved. Remember that like most things regarding sex and gender, relationship formats can be fluid. For example, you may be currently in a polyamorous relationship but decide to dial it back if life circumstances change. Conversely, for many couples, FFM threesomes are a great way to begin exploring, and you can always revisit your boundaries and rules later and adjust as needed. Continue to be compassionate and practice active listening to yourself and your partners. Additionally, consider working with a sex therapist to help you identify your needs and put them into practice in a healthy way. Only you, and your partners, get to decide how many dicks are in your life and body.
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.