Safe Words: What You Need to Know
What is a safe word?
A safe word is a tool designed for use in kink spaces to keep all participants as safe as possible.* In kink scenes there can be safe words to indicate a need for an immediate stop, a need to slow down or check in, there are alternative non-verbal safewords for when kink play prevents speaking, etc.
While safe words are thought of mainly as something used in kink spaces, incorporating them into your sex life can be a good practice for anyone, including people who aren’t interested in exploring kink! Safe words provide an easy, quick, and clear way to communicate exactly what you need in the moment, with minimal chances of miscommunication.
Types of Safe words:
Just like we said above, there isn’t just one type of safe word. Some moments require verbal safe words, some require non-verbal, and different preferences inform folks’s decisions on which safe words are best for them. In terms of the actual types of safe words, there are a few common ones:
Verbal: An unrelated word or term
In kink spaces, there is something called consensual non-consent. That means that while all people involved in the scene or play have enthusiastically consented to everything that will happen, they are playing a fantasy of non-consent, which can make “no” or “stop” or “don’t” ineffective as safewords. In these sorts of scenarios, utilizing a safe word that is unrelated to sex or the scene you’re engaging in can be a good choice. These can be words like pineapple or crocodile, or something like that. The key is to make it something you wouldn’t normally say during sex or within erotic play.
Now, even if you don’t engage in any sort of kink play, keeping your safe word unrelated to sex is still best for clear and quick communication. And, even if you’re not interested in CNC play, and know you never will be, it’s still possible to use words like “no” and “don’t” and “stop” without actually instructing your partner to stop. For instance, have you ever told your partner “don’t stop,” while they were doing something you particularly enjoyed? While still checking in with your partner to be sure you’ve understood them in the moment, it can still be useful for everyone to have an unrelated safeword.
Non-Verbal
There are times in kink and fetish play where breathing or speaking can be restricted, however that doesn’t mean safe words aren’t necessary. (In fact, it can be especially crucial to have established safe signals when one method of communication has been eliminated in play). Non-verbal safe signals can be things like:
Hand squeezing
Tapping
Snapping fingers
Pinching
Stoplight System:
Another variety of safe words is the stoplight system. Using a stoplight system can be a helpful tool, as it doesn’t jump right from “yes this is good for me” to “stop right now” and gives you a specific word to use when you want your partner to take it a bit easier without ending things completely. Within the stoplight system:
Green = everything’s great, keep going
Yellow = I need to slow down, start to wrap up early
Red = stop everything immediately
You can also find ways to alter the stoplight system for non-verbal play. If you usually tap on your partner’s leg to signal your safe word, three taps could mean green, two taps could be yellow, and one tap (the quickest & easiest) would signal red.
Deciding on a Safeword
Is there a form of safewording that makes the most sense for you? Or the scene you’re participating in? If you’re engaging in play that can restrict your breathing or speaking abilities, it would be important to have a non-verbal safeword.
Some people like to choose both a verbal safeword (or the stoplight system) as well as a non-verbal safeword that can be used as a “back up.” Sex can evoke strong emotions, and some people can be non-verbal when extremely aroused or emotionally overwhelmed. Having a backup option for a non-verbal safeword can help keep everyone safe and comfortable, even if you’re not engaging in kinky play!
Remember: your safe word should be easy to say, not similar sounding to anything you might say during sex/play, and not easy to misinterpret in order for it to be an effective safe word.
Safewords in Practice
Safe words are for everyone, not just people playing with power dynamics in sex. And, within those playing with power dynamics, safe words are crucial for all parties involved, not just the submissive role.In authority based play, the submissive partner has to trust that the dominant partner will listen & respond to their safe word if they should use it, and the dominant partner has to trust that their submissive will use safeword when things go too far. Dominant partners also have limits, and when subs go into sub space they may ask for the play to go further than the dom is comfortable with, because they are feeling so much pleasure in the moment. In instances like that, it’s important for the Dom to feel safe and comfortable to stop or slow down their play.
It’s also important to remember that use of a safe word is not a reflection on their partner and doesn’t mean they don’t feel safe with them–in fact, use of a safe word is a huge expression of trust. People can want to stop sex for all sorts of reasons. It can be very vulnerable, bring up unpleasant memories, or cause big emotional reactions (like crying) that can disrupt the enjoyment of the experience. These are just some instances where safe words can be useful in non-kinky sex.
The process of selecting and communicating safewords is also useful beyond kinky sex. It can be an exercise in trust and communication with your partner, exploring situations that may compel you to use a safeword, how you’d like to respond when your safewords are used, etc. Just as discussing boundaries in other aspects of your relationship is important, sexual boundaries are necessary to discuss with your partner(s) to ensure everyone feels comfortable, safe and trusted.
And remember: even if you have safe words established, you still need to be checking in with your partner–especially if you’re engaging in kinky play. There is something called subspace that subs can get into in the midst of play, which is essentially a rush of endorphins, which can impact their ability to recognize their limits or pain they’re feeling, and could even lead them to forget what safe word was agreed upon. Having check-ins throughout play is critical in addition to safe words.
*While there is no 100% way to eliminate risk in kink scenes, with Risk Aware Consensual Kink, kinky participants are acknowledging the risks of the play they are involved in while taking all steps to keep players as safe as possible.
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.