Understanding Different Experiences of Arousal
We all experience arousal differently from one another. Regardless of whether we’re in a monogamous long-term relationship, casually dating, or polyamorous, the way you experience arousal will be unique to you. While sexual compatibility is a factor in dating, it’s not necessary to try and find someone whose arousal style and sex drive match yours in order to enjoy a relationship! In fact, we often learn new things about ourselves when we date people who experience arousal differently. We’re able to notice things about our own experience with arousal just by contrast to someone else’s, which can help us connect with parts of ourselves we may have overlooked. Understanding different arousal experiences also helps us become more empathetic partners, and gives us opportunities in our relationship for intimate and intentional communication.
So why are arousal experiences so varied? And what can you do to help overcome any obstacles those differences may present in your relationships? Here are 9 things to keep in mind:
Different things turn us on.
It's not always necessary to analyze why someone has a kink. When we spend too much time trying to make sense of ourselves instead of enjoying what brings us joy, we can sometimes fall down a spiral where we start to pathologize ourselves. We can do the same thing when our partner(s) experience arousal in a way we’re not familiar with or ever considered. For example, maybe your partner has a thing for feet. You might not find feet erotic yourself, but spending too much time trying to unpack why your partner has a thing for feet is just taking away time you could be spending finding ways to enjoy that together! Remember, you can still get enjoyment out of things even when they don’t arouse you. While getting a foot massage might not turn you on the way that giving you one turns your partner on, it still gives you a chance to relax and feel good in your body! Everyone wins.
Everyone has a different sex drive.
Perfectly matched libidos in a relationship are extremely rare. Some people have a low sex drive*, where they rarely if ever feel the desire to have sex while others desire it every day. There is nothing wrong with either, and like most things, sex drive is a spectrum. These differences don’t have to be a problem for you and your partner if you’re willing to take time to find ways to experience arousal together, but overcoming those differences can often seem daunting, especially without support. Talk about it and consider working with a relationship therapist to bridge the gap, whether that's through allowing more alone time for masturbation, opening up the relationship, finding a compromise that satisfies both of you, being creative in what sexuality and intimacy looks like in your relationship, or perhaps accepting that this is not a difference that can be managed.
*Note, this is different than asexuality which is a spectrum indicating a lack of sexual attraction, not sex drive. If the distinction is confusing, try and think of it this way: you can be horny, but not have anyone in particular you want to have sex with. Being horny would be your sex drive, but if you’re asexual you may not experience that feeling of being attracted to a person.
Consider health-related influences.
We have these delightful bodies, ripe with nerve endings and erogenous zones, created to give us pleasure. However, we are also fallible. Sometimes we get sick, catch Covid-19, or have a herpes outbreak. During times of physical illness or stress, it's normal to have a change in arousal. When your body is uncomfortable or ill or recovering, it’s natural to not feel as connected to the sensual part of yourself that gets your arousal going! Be kind to yourself or your partner(s) when going through this, and remember it’s completely common and not a reflection on yourself or your partner. Arousal changes also occur due to medication, such as SSRI antidepressants, hormone therapy, or birth control.
Mental health matters, too.
Arousal isn’t just a physical experience. It is often connected to our imagination, our playfulness, our interactions with our partner(s). That mind-body connection means that we may see arousal levels fluctuate due to stress, anxiety, mental health issues, and major life events. Things like grief can majorly impact our arousal, and it doesn’t always just decrease, you can also experience an increase in arousal.
Regardless of your experience, be gentle with yourself during this time, pay attention to your body, and do what's best for you. If your partner is experiencing a change in arousal due to mental or emotional health, be equally gentle and kind to them.
You don't have to act out every desire or fantasy.
Remember, it's okay to get turned on by fantasies without wanting to play them out. Sometimes a fantasy can just be a fantasy! And it’s also possible to get creative and find other ways to incorporate the aspects of the fantasy you find sexy into your sex life, without engaging in play that doesn’t really do anything for you.
For instance, let's say your partner is turned on by water sports (piss play) but you don’t have any desire to try it. You don’t need to engage fully in piss play to find a way that works for both of you to incorporate it! You can work it in by integrating piss play into dirty talk (pun intended) , watching porn, or even role-playing with warm water. If you're curious about the fantasy and perhaps eventually want to try it out, these can also act as stepping stones.
Use a safe word.
Sex and arousal can be unpredictable. We could be in the middle of our favorite scene, one which always turns us on, and experience a sudden anxiety, trigger, or a desire to stop. When this happens, speak up and tell your partner right away, and remember to be gentle with yourself. It can be hard to articulate a need to stop in the moment, so having a pre-agreed upon safeword is a great way to quickly and clearly let your partner(s) know you need to stop now. You can also use a stoplight system; this matches the three colors of a traffic light to your mood in the scene. Green means you’re enjoying yourself and good to carry on, yellow means you want to keep going but may need to slow down or wrap up early, and red means stop immediately. Safewords are handy because they work in all situations, even kink scenes that may involve CNC or consensual non-consent (when one person may yell things like "stop" or "no" as part of the scene). Pick something random and non-sexual, such as a fruit or state name, something that wouldn’t naturally come up so there’s no confusion.
Consider a new relationship format.
Sex and love are often related, but they aren’t the same thing. So even if you love someone, your sex drives might not be complementary or compatible. That doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship has to end–there’s not one formula for a fulfilling and happy relationship! There are a lot of relationship styles that can allow you to both continue nurturing your relationship with your partner, while also fulfilling your own sexual needs outside of your relationship. From more casual "don't ask, don't tell" situations to a polyamory arrangement–in which you sleep with and date more than one person–there are options that help you satisfy your sex life without having to break up with your current partner. If you're considering opening up a relationship, it's helpful to work with a therapist throughout the process to navigate any bumps and learning curves.
Differences are okay.
Remember, differences are okay. Within partnerships, regardless of your relationship format, your differences are probably more minor than you fear. Often what we’re afraid is a huge deal is actually just an interesting fact for our partner to learn about us. For instance, maybe you’re into fisting but you haven’t told your partner because you know they’re not interested in it. Telling your partner you’re into fisting can then feel vulnerable, because what if they don’t like it? Can often feel like, what if they don’t like me? But telling your partner about your differences in desire gives them a chance to learn something new about you, and find a new way to bring you pleasure. They may even grow to like it themselves, just based on how much pleasure it brings you! Bringing our partners pleasure can be a powerful source of arousal, even when we aren’t aroused by the specific things we’re doing.
Focus on your sex life with yourself.
Yes, other people bring us so much joy and pleasure, and interpersonal connections are crucial to our well-being. However, masturbation counts as sex! Remember that regardless of your relationship status or your partners' desires, you can always enjoy your kinks, fantasies, and turn-ons by yourself.
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