G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel at Well+Good About When To Tell Your Partner You Cheated—And When It’s Best *Not* To
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good about when to talk to your partner about cheating.
First, though, it’s important to realize that the concept of cheating itself can mean different things to different people. It’s often described as being physically intimate with someone who isn’t your partner [or one of your partners, if you’re in a non-monogamous relationship). But, that’s just one example. “Cheating refers to any act outside of the boundaries of your relationship agreement and that, in turn, damages the trust in your relationship,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center.
Regardless of the reason, if you’re going to break up with your partner, you don’t necessarily need to tell them that you cheated beforehand. “There are a lot of reasons why you might feel inclined to tell your partner you cheated even if you’re going to break up, such as guilt or the belief that it is the ‘right’ thing to do,” says Kahn. But before you do, they recommend asking yourself: Am I telling my soon-to-be-ex partner that I cheated on them in order to help them or to help me?
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Cheating holds a lot of meaning and charge to it, but ultimately, it refers to acting outside of the boundaries of your relationship agreement and in turn damaging the trust in your relationship. It most often refers to emotional or sexual boundaries.
It’s important to check in with yourself regarding the agreements you’ve made, to consider your partner and what they want, to ask yourself the impact of telling and of not telling, your motivation for telling and the impact holding a secret will have on you, your partner, and the relationship.