Trans Survival Mode
It is Thursday afternoon and I am on the subway. The car bustles, packed with every type of exhausted face the New York City metropolitan area has to offer in the dead of winter after a long day’s work. I am sandwiched from all sides, trying to clutch the railing for support as I watch a young man scroll through Instagram only to hover over a post: Utah bans healthcare for transgender youth. I adjust myself, very aware of the stubble I missed shaving on my face today, catching on the edge of my dress’s collar. I shift my curled shoulders under my jacket, bracing for some sort of imaginary shock. It’s not who's on the subway, it’s who could be on the subway my brain tells me.
The Anti-Trans wave
Trans people, now more than ever, have found themselves at the center of the culture wars. From Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill to various states attempting to legislate trans people from public life and healthcare, trans people have been subject to ever-increasing debate about our very existence and right to live. While trans peoples’ existence has always been subjected to being barred from society, never before has the level of Anti-Trans legislation been introduced, with a staggering 306 bills that have been proposed within the last two years, the majority of which concentrate on trans youth.
Even before these bills, according to the 2015 U.S. transgender survey, 39% of trans people have reported “serious psychological distress”, while 40% had attempted suicide. Despite some of these bills not even passing, the overall climate surrounding trans people has contributed to growing feelings of anxiety, isolation, and depression within the community on a widespread scale. Because of this cultural landscape, many trans people feel as though they are living in survival mode every time they step outside.
Survival mode
Generally speaking, survival mode can refer to a lived state of heightened stress that someone occupies who is experiencing real or perceived threats. Because of this stress on the prefrontal cortex, (or the thinking brain) which is responsible for things like, executive functioning, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and decision-making, becomes disrupted. This is our survival brain trying to keep us alive and out of danger. However, living in this continual heightened stress response, and being overexposed to stress response hormones like cortisol, can take a toll on our physical and emotional health.
For individuals dealing with chronic stress, or those who have a history of complex trauma, survival mode may be a default response to real or perceived stressors. When our bodies are constantly flooded with stress or trauma, a stress response may become one normal state without us even realizing it. In this case, even reconciling with or moving away from survival mode in order to bring our nervous system back to a natural rhythm might take a considerable amount of effort and time.
So what now?
I am still on the subway, stops away from where I need to be. The young man takes one last look at the article and scoffs, scrolling on his phone, while the car gets tighter and tighter. I can tell my breathing is getting shallow, while the overwhelm starts to take over. I think,when will my existence just be existence? I think, when will it not be terrifying to become softer in a world that only seems to be getting tougher? I think about all the people in this subway car, and all the other trans people in other subway cars trying to make their way in the world. I think about all these things and then I wonder, what would my life be like without survival mode?
Ways to heal from survival mode
In our modern world, the reality is that many trans people are unsafe. Many of us rely on survival mode to keep us safe and aware of the realities of our culture and the state in which we live. Our survival mode perhaps keeps us alive through pattern recognition and hyper-awareness and in the face of a cultural climate that seems more hostile by the day, we get up every day and continue to exist.
But for those of us struggling to combat the thoughts and feelings of survival mode, we must also ask the question: is there more to life than this? It is one thing to survive, but to thrive, is an entirely different story. Choosing to engage in your survival mode can be an act of reestablishing your natural equilibrium and an act of coming home to yourself.
Here are some ways to get started:
Connect with yourself:
Ask yourself questions like, what do I need right now? How can I take care of myself? What is my body feeling right now?
Give Yourself Permission: acknowledge what you are feeling in the moment both in your mind and body.
Ground Yourself: - Take deep, slow breaths, even just for 60 seconds. Notice your surroundings. What 3 things do you see? What 2 things do you hear? What’s one thing you can smell?
Stretch & Exercise: move your body in a way that feels good and release the energy that survival mode utilizes to disrupt your equilibrium
Engage with Joy: find ways to bring joy into your life whether that be a hobby, watching a show, or going on a walk
Connect with others:
Call a friend/loved one: Seek support from safe people who can help you gain a connection to yourself and others
Get active: Donating, volunteering, and creating activism around trans issues can connect you to the larger trans community
Being kind to yourself:
You are living through unprecedented times that are not a reflection of who you are as a person.
You have value, you have worth and you deserve to be here.
After a stop or two the sardined subway car files out and I am left with mostly myself and my thoughts. I take a deep breath and text my partner, “I’m on my way home.” When I exit the subway and make my way home I know that we cannot always change the circumstances we are given, but we can perhaps choose how we rise to meet them. I cannot change the world on my own but I can try to help change myself and help others too. I now actively chose softness in a way that did not feel possible before. In a world that is committed to violence against me, I chose softness as my way of surviving and thriving.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING DUNCAN RICHARDS FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.