Queerness and Challenging the Family Role
The notion of family becomes ingrained in us from a young age. Our understanding of family takes root in our lived experiences and encompasses everything from media representations of heteronormative households to societal systems of violence that seep into familial relationships in the form of abuse, intergenerational trauma, and harmful dynamics.
Whether biological, chosen, ancestral, or otherwise, our experience of family becomes foundational to how we relate to others and even ourselves.
While the external experience of queerness can cause us deep pain and alienation, the internal exploration of sexuality and gender can push us to see ourselves through our own eyes, free from the family roles and societal expectations we may be born into.
It gives us a path to explore our authentic selves, often bringing us closer to a community of supportive people and farther from traditional ideas of family. This exploration goes beyond the initial realization and “coming out” that we associate with exploring our sexuality or gender, and involves a lifetime of questioning and curiosity that impacts more than just our sexuality or gender. In seeking to live authentically, one aspect of our lives that we may begin to challenge and explore is our family structure and our role within the family.
Homophobic and transphobic comments and behavior becomes less and less bearable as we grow to embrace our queerness and surround ourselves with loving and affirming people. This is one of many ways we begin to outgrow old patterns of relating within family. In deconstructing societal ideas about gender and sexuality, we may start to question cultural and familial ideas not just around our queerness but on everything from abusive dynamics and harmful communication styles to sexual repression and resistance to emotions.
As we grow, we hope that those we love will grow alongside us. However, they may not always have the willingness or ability to do so.
When we no longer fit into the family roles assigned to us, it can be challenging to navigate the reactions of those around us that refuse to allow us to self-determinate both our role in the family and our own sense of self. Some may reject us outright, while others may try to change or control us in an attempt to fit us back into the mold of their expectations.
This can be especially difficult when the family dynamics are tied to cultural or religious traditions that do not acknowledge or accept queerness due to colonialism and white supremacy. They may see us exploring and embracing our true selves as a rejection of the family. Connecting and sharing intentional space with people that allow us to stay connected to our cultures, religion, and specific identities can help to soothe some of the pain that comes from this.
It can also be helpful to create safeguards for ourselves within our relationships with childhood family members, friends, and even community. This means building awareness of the ways we have grown, our needs, and limitations, and acknowledging what we need from these relationships to set appropriate expectations and boundaries in the relationship.
We have the power to choose what these relationships look like and what we need from them.
This can mean choosing to limit or cut off contact entirely, or it can mean finding a way to engage with our family or community on our own terms.
For example, no contact may look different for each person. For some, it may mean cutting off all physical contact and only speaking on the phone periodically. For others, it may mean engaging only superficially, avoiding deep or personal conversations. Ultimately, the decision of how much and what kind of contact to have is up to the individual and what they feel is best for their own mental health and well-being.
It is important to consider questions such as:
When we no longer serve the family role assigned to us, how do people treat us?
How do they react to us?
And how does this impact us?
In paying attention to how people treat you, we can collect important information about how to move forward. If you need more distance and safety before moving forward with sharing more of your authentic self, observe and reflect how people in the family treat other family members that have refused to fit into assigned family roles or traditions.
Creating distance or cutting off contact with family members can come with its own challenges and emotions.
It can be difficult to let go of the hope that the relationship will change or that the family member will accept us for who we are. It can also be hard to navigate the guilt and shame that may arise from going against societal and cultural expectations of what family should look like.
It is essential to feel these emotions out and seek support in processing them. This can include reaching out to supportive friends or community members, finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about queerness and family dynamics, or even seeking out online resources and support groups. It is important to know that we are not alone in our experiences, and there are people and community available to help us through these moments of transition.
In some cases, it may be possible to work on repairing relationships with family members, but this often requires willingness and effort on both sides. It is important to assess whether it is safe and healthy to attempt to repair the relationship, and to set boundaries and expectations if you do choose to engage in this process.
The lifelong journey of self exploration and creation can be a difficult one, especially when it comes to navigating familial relationships.
It is important to remember that we have the power to choose our own paths and to create our own definitions of family, community, and self. It may take time and effort to build supportive relationships outside traditional family structures, but it is possible to find belonging and acceptance in spaces that celebrate our authentic selves.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING CAROLINA BATISTA. FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.