How Do I Bring It Up? Tips for Initiating Difficult Conversations

Having difficult discussions is a big part of maintaining our close relationships, but it can be something that feels very intimidating–especially since we’re not often taught good communication skills from the get go. Good communication is learned and practiced and some of us did not have quality communication taught to or modeled for us when we were young. Maybe we’re  often worried that we might say the wrong thing, or maybe we don’t know how to get a “big”  conversation started.  But with intention and practice, starting and having important conversations when they’re needed will get easier and help you to rewrite the scripts you have about conflict and conversation right now.

Here are some tips for you to practice when it’s time for a difficult discussion:

Know your goals.

Think about what your goals are before the conversation. Sometimes we begin discussions because we know we have big feelings about a topic but we don’t know what our feelings or goals actually are. Do you want to apologize? Do you want to get closer to this person by letting them know about a part of your identity or trauma history? Are you asking for a change in communication?

Reflect before.

Reflect on your feelings before you start the discussion so you can accurately communicate them to the other person. This can be difficult for people who haven’t had a lot of practice noticing and labeling their feelings. Sometimes the only word you can think of is “bad”! Emotion education tools like The Feelings Wheel, can help you name what you are feeling. 

Also reflect on why starting this conversation feels difficult. It might be helpful to journal about it too. Why is this a vulnerable topic? Are you worried about what the other person will say? What is your relationship like with this person right now? How urgent is this?

Practice.

Practice your opening line to yourself when you are in the shower! Saying the words a few times before you’re in front of the other person can be empowering. You can also ask your therapist to role play the conversation with you. They can provide a safe space to find your words and help you navigate your emotions. 

Also practice self-soothing techniques before, during, and after tough conversations. This can look like focusing on your breathing or slowing down your speech. Often, during intense conversations, our body tenses and we forget to breathe. Intentionally bringing our focus to our breath, can help us calm down and connect to the present moment.

Consider setting.

Time and place are important to think about when having a hard conversation. Consider both of your moods before initiating. Maybe the other person just finished a stressful phone call or perhaps you are coming home from an exhausting day at work. Initiating a difficult conversation during a time when emotions are heightened for other reasons might make it even more difficult. 

Try to find a neutral and calm setting. Your bed may not be the best space to have a difficult talk about sex. In the restaurant before your friends arrive for dinner, may not be either. Many people find it easier to start conversations on a walk or a drive because you don’t have to look directly at the other person. Also, the bilateral movement of walking can have a calming effect that improves communication.

It is also important to note that there will be no absolutely perfect time to have a hard conversation. So while you should consider the time and setting, don’t keep putting off a difficult discussion because everything doesn’t feel perfect. Reflecting on the urgency of the situation before can be helpful in navigating your timeline. Sometimes hard conversations still need to happen in less than ideal circumstances. 

Ask for consent.

To ensure that it is a good time for the other person, ask for consent to start the conversation. This could be as simple as “I have something I would like to talk about with you, when would be a good time?” Or it could involve the topic in the request, which may take some pressure off before the actual conversation. Talking about talking about it can be less intimidating with complex subjects. Like “I would like to talk about our sex life, when would be a good time for you?” That way the other person is not surprised and has the option to take some time to themselves to gather their thoughts. Remember that everyone has different ways they process emotions, some need more time than others. 

Use I statements. 

Avoid blaming language that might cause the other person to quickly become defensive. Focus on how you feel about the situation. Instead of “you are awful and make me feel like garbage,” you could phrase it as “I felt really hurt and embarrassed after your comments about me in front of our friends.” Often, this person doesn’t want you to feel hurt and may not have known the impact of their actions. Remember that people can’t read minds and you need to tell them how you feel and what you want.  

Set up regular check-in times.

Setting up a regular time to check-in can be very helpful for important relationships, like your romantic partner or business partner. This can be a time that you validate how things are going well and areas where you would like more support. Having this specific time set aside to discuss your partnership, can make future hard conversations easier to start because you have a specific space to have them.

Discuss ahead of time how you both like to have difficult conversations and receive feedback. Are there certain words that are triggering to you that you want your partner to avoid? Would you rather receive a text about a difficult topic before you speak to them in person?

Accept that it is just the beginning. 

Starting conversations can feel difficult but it is also important to recognize that it is just the beginning. These conversations might occur in multiple phases and that is okay! Initiating is the first step in an open dialogue between you and the other person. Accept that it may not be perfect but it is a part of the journey!

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING EMILY LUNN FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.