Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Sophie Saint Thomas at Cosmopolitan about how to tell if you should break up with your partner
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Sophie Saint Thomas at Cosmopolitan about how to tell if you should break up with your partner.
Taking a friends’ advice
“Remember that your friends are just people, which means they’re filled with flaws and sometimes even hidden agendas. ‘Your friend’s advice is often a reflection of them, their feelings, their experiences, and what they might do,’ explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York.
Also, your friends are biased! And while it’s a damn blessing to have a core group of ride-or-dies who will take your side no matter what, it does mean that they may not be able to provide the neutral advice you might be seeking in this situation.
‘Your friends’ feedback is often reflective of what you have said to them,’ Kahn says. And if we’re all being honest with ourselves here, chances are you’ve likely spent more time venting to your friends about your partner when things are tough than you have singing their praises when everything’s going well.
‘They’re not in the relationship, so they don’t fully know what it’s like to be in the relationship,’ Kahn says.”
Breakup regret
“‘Yes, people can experience regret after a breakup, but it’s often connected to the reasons for the breakup, the experience of being single, loneliness, second-guessing your decision, or missing aspects of your relationship,’ Kahn says.
Real regret most often occurs in cases where you break up with someone for the wrong reasons, such as depression or anxiety unrelated to the person, insecurities, or past relationship trauma. If that’s not the case and you still feel regret, know that it will pass and it doesn’t mean you made a bad call.
‘Feelings of regret or sadness don’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision,’ Kahn says.”
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Is it normal to think about breaking up?
Thinking about breaking up with someone can be a normal part of a relationship. This may indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed or an inner need within you to not be in a relationship. It's important to reflect on the reasons behind these feelings and consider whether they stem from temporary stress, deeper incompatibilities, or a relationship pattern for you.
Taking time to reflect as well as open communication with your partner(s) can help determine the best course of action!
Is feeling taken advantage of a sign to break up?
Feeling taken for granted can be a significant issue in a relationship and can lead to resentment, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to break up. The first step is to reflect on the ways you feel taken for granted, why you feel that way, if this is a pervasive feeling for you in the relationship or a relationship pattern for you, and if yes, how you participated in co-creating the relationship dynamic where you feel taken for granted.
After that, it can be helpful to communicate your feelings to your partner(s) and give them an opportunity to respond, validate, learn more, and eventually co-create a plan to address the issue and make changes.
Listening to your friends
While friends' opinions can offer valuable perspectives, the decision to break up is ultimately your decision, and should be based on your feelings and experiences within the relationship. If your friends are encouraging you to end your relationship, listen to them and consider their reasons, while prioritizing your own experience and assessment of the relationship.
If your friends love your partner and want you to stay together, but you have serious doubts, trust your instincts and address your concerns directly with your partner(s), as your well-being and happiness are paramount.