Ask a Queer Therapist: Questioning Your Queerness
“My sister is queer but prefers girls/nonbinary people and she has an easier time connecting with straight guys than with queer people, but for me it’s the other way around…I get very nervous and don’t know how to really act. I’ve identified as bisexual/queer for a long time but have very little experience. Does this mean I’m not queer? Since I’ve had so much trouble whereas with my sister it comes easy to her?”
Dear Questioning,
I have to say, this letter kind of breaks my heart. I hate it when anyone feels like they have to doubt who they are, especially if it means doubting that you’re queer.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: the beauty of being queer is that it can (and should!) mean SO many different things. It’s a (rainbow) umbrella term that encompasses lots of identities, including several folks I know who identify as trans, straight, AND queer all at the same time. So there you go!
I also want to address something that is implied by your question, and your description of yourself as having “very little experience.” It’s a big myth out there that the only way to know if you’re queer or straight or gay or lesbian or bisexual or… (you get the idea) is to have had some sexual experience that allows you to “know” this about yourself, with certainty. This really bugs me because honestly, it’s rooted in heterosexism, queer-phobia and very often, bi-phobia specifically. I have yet to meet one straight person who felt like they had to prove to themselves that they were straight by first making out with someone of the same gender to know they weren’t attracted to them!
If I asked you to tell me other ways that you and your sister are different, I bet it would be a long list. And if I asked you to tell me ways that you are similar, that might also be a long list. The reality is just that: people can have a shared identity (e.g. queer), but be very different from each other in every other way. Does that mean one is really queer and the other is not? Of course not! It sounds like this is the case with you and your sister.
I would guess that the other layer of your question is really about how to manage your “nervousness” (dare I say, anxiety?), so that it’s easier for you to build connections and form the relationships that you’re seeking, romantic and platonic. A good place to start might be to give yourself permission to let go of the self-doubt and fully embrace your bisexual/queer identity. Obviously this won’t magically make the nervousness disappear, but it’s a start.
Good luck!
A Queer Therapist